The Dark Menace

Walking through the courtyard alongside the pool, the sun sets over the walls and the light soon fades. The sound of the water gently splashing against the side of the pool mixes with the sounds of the palms of the trees in the courtyard as they sway from side to side. The lights from the interior begin to glow brighter as the sun’s light continues to dim. The other residents have already retreated to their bedrooms for the night and the night watchman has already made his rounds after clocking in for his evening shift. He tips his hat in my direction, I raise my hand and wave and we both smile and continue walking.

The breeze stops suddenly and the palm trees stop swaying and almost seem to stand at attention as if a General had walked into a military barrack. There is no more splashing from the pool, it’s as if time had completely stopped. There was no movement from anything and if felt as if the air had been completely sucked out of my lungs, I can’t breathe. I start to look around to see if there is anyone that can help me, it feels as if I was choking on something. Perhaps I had swallowed my gum or a piece of candy but I couldn't remember putting either of them into my mouth. I could only feel my mouth stretched wide open, gasping and not being able to receive any air. My body begins to convulse and I suddenly feel hands around my head, gripped tightly as to keep me from shaking or breaking free. I stretch my eyes from side to side in hopes to catch a glimpse of the person that has a grip on me and as I look to the left of the pool through the glass where I had just seen the night watchman minutes before, I see all of the residents that had attended group earlier in the day lined up side by side spanning the entire length of the hallway. They were motionless as if under a spell, lifeless. Why had they not tried to help me? Surely they could see that I was in trouble.

I turned my eyes to the right as I felt the hands begin to loosen their grip from my head then I turn back toward the hallway and I see Tracy raise her hand and lay her palm against the window. Her eyes motionless, her face with no expression. I look away from the window and the darkness seems to take over. My eyes begin to flutter and roll to the back of my head and then finally, air passes my mouth and fills my lungs. I open my eyes and with hands around my head I am face to face with a man who I am unfamiliar with. A latin man with a goatee, dark eyes, short hair and a tattoo of a tear drop on the outside corner of his eye. He was shirtless and I could see in my lower peripheral vision that his chest is completely covered in tattoos but I couldn’t quite make out what they were. He smiles cunningly at me and as I begin to struggle he leans his head back and with great force, slams his head against mine.

I scream and struggle some more hoping that I can break free from this person but his grip is too strong and I’ve taken too hard of a blow to the head and just as quickly as I was able to breathe again, the struggle to take in air begins again. My legs are kicking around, my hands on his hands trying to break free from his deadly grip and then he cracks his devious smile once more.

“Diga me!” he says gritting his teeth in what seemed to be a heavy Mexican street slang accent.

It took me a couple of seconds to break the confusion and translate in my mind what he was asking me.

“Diga me cabron!”

“Tell you what?” I said as the tears begin to roll down my face and I continue to kick and struggle.

“Diga me como quieres a morir? HOW DO YOU WANNA DIE PUTO!”

I feel the sharp edge of a knife against my throat and I gasp fiercely, open my eyes and then hear a familiar voice.

“It’s okay, everything is alright, just breathe.”

I continue to thrash and cry out, “get away from me, get him away from me!”

“We’re alone, there isn’t anyone else here.” Said Marylin.

Marylin was one of the night nurses that was also in charge of medications. She was kind to me since I checked in to the hospital. She was actually the nurse that was in charge of my intake at the time of my arrival to Colonial Hills.

“Do you need me to get you something to help you sleep?”

“No that’s okay I’ll be fine,” I said to her as I tried to catch my breath. I was drenched in sweat and the sheets and pillows had been kicked off of my bed.

“I think I’m going to go ahead and get you something to help you sleep, you havn’t been sleeping well since you got here.”

I sat there for a few seconds but it certainly seemed much longer and tried to get the image of that man out of my head and each time I thought about the knife to my throat as well as the tattoo of the tear on his face, I began to break down and cry again.

“It’s going to be okay, you just need to start processing the thoughts and putting them into perspective” she said.

It seemed to me that there was no way to put into perspective something that I had little to no knowledge of. However, it seemed that each time I had these night terrors, I was gathering the pieces that I needed. The question was, was I strong enough to go through this and what would happen once it all came to a head if indeed it ever did? Was it some kind of fear that was terrorizing my dreams or was there something embedded much deeper that was trying to bear its ugly head into my already confused and emotional state of mind?

“I’ll go ahead and take that pill” I said as I grabbed my pillow from the floor clutching it against my chest.

“I’ll be right back” she said as she patted me on the shoulder.

Soon, Marylin returned with a cup of water and a sleeping pill, sat down next to me for some extra re-assurance before she retreated back to the nurses station at the front of the residential wing. It was about 30 minutes before I was able to fully compose myself enough to remain in the room, alone for the rest of the night. I finally laid down and waited for the pill to take effect and soon after, fell into a much-needed relaxed sleep.

The next morning I awoke somewhat groggy from the sleeping pill but got up and began my daily routine. I brushed my teeth, took a shower, got dressed and joined the other residents in the rec area before heading down to have breakfast. It wasn’t until I was heading down the hallway to meet the usual suspects for breakfast that I was able to recall most of what happened in the dream that turned me on my head a few hours earlier. As I approached the rec area I couldn’t help but feeling a little uneasy about having to venture down to the area in which my night terror took place. I was determined though that I would not allow these dreams to keep me from moving forward in my rehab so I latched on to Tracy and began our trip down to the dining hall. Tracy had not gotten completely dressed as she usually was or perhaps I should say that Tracy was still in her pajamas and had very little make-up on.

Since I had met Tracy, she had always looked very well put together and to that point had never ventured out of the residential area without her hair, make-up and street clothes on. I thought perhaps that she too might have had a difficult night.

“So we doing pajama party today?” I said to her.

“No darling, my husband decided that he wanted to talk all night so I spent most of the night sitting at the pay phone.”

The residents had a house phone for incoming calls and short outgoing calls but for anything longer than a couple of minutes was the pay phone that was positioned at the farthest end of the residential wing. The nurses usually would try and discourage us from being on the phone for too long especially after lights out. They couldn’t prohibit us though so residents were usually on that phone quite a bit throughout the day and night.

Tracy grabs a cigarette out of her leather holder getting it ready to light just as soon as we walk through the dining room doors, “that fucker only wants me home so that he has someone to do all of his shit for him but enough about me, rumor has it you had quite a night yourself!”

“News travels fast around here huh?”

“Well thats just one of the benefits of being up all night” she says smiling and with a wink. ”You wanna talk about it?”

It was a tempting offer because I had become so comfortable with her but I just hadn’t figured out what the dream or its players represented so I thought it best not to say anything other than, “just the same old night terrors.”

“Oh you’re having those huh?” She said as she lets out a heavy sigh. ”I hated those damned things. You know they have medications for that.”

“Yeah” I responded as I stuck my hands into my pockets, “I got to try one out, I can’t say I remember much after taking it.”

Tracy winked and nodded but I wasn’t sure how to take that. It could have meant that they were a wonderful tool for masking dreams or that it was a way for them to keep us calm and keep them in control. Either way, I was just relieved to have gotten a good night sleep so that I was able to function to some degree and make it through the activities of the day. Luckily it was a light day as I was to meet with my psychiatrist and regular therapist one on one as well as occupational therapy which usually meant I got to spend the afternoon making some sort of arts and crafts project.

We made our way down to have breakfast and when we arrived to the dining hall we had already missed most of the other residents. Our late start though gave us the chance to sit and chat for a while uninterrupted and have some normal conversation about things we did on the outside before our incarcerations. Tracy, it seemed was quite the social butterfly but it wasn’t like I had not already guessed. She ran in circles that were quite of a high-caliber and from what I could gather, her husband was not particularly happy about her having checked herself in because of what the Joneses might have thought. It was evident by the way she talked about the situation that he was very embarrassed about her being there. She, however, could care less of what he thought as long as she was able to use the hospital as a retreat.

“Well darling, I hate to leave such good conversation but I really need to try and get some sleep, you have fun making ashtrays!”

“Ashtrays?” I said puzzled.

“We have occupational therapy today, it’ll either be a bear or an ashtray” she giggles. ”See you later honey.”

“Sleep well!” I said waving as she walked away.

After exiting and walking into the elevator, I turn toward the glass hallway that led to the OT room, took a few steps and stopped. Where my feet had frozen I could see out the window into the courtyard. It was quiet since all of the residents had either gone back to their room or had gone to their next activity for the day so there was no one in the courtyard or pool area. It was very still, then my head began to fill with paranoia about the dream I had very early that morning. In the reflection of the glass, I could see a figure behind me, I froze. I stopped breathing in anticipation of being grabbed from behind and I closed my eyes. Just then, someone placed their hand on my shoulder.

“Are you okay?”

I jumped away and turned around at the same time and gasped nearly tripping and falling over my feet. It was Joan, the occupational therapist.

“I’m so sorry” she said, ” I didn’t mean to scare you at all, you just seemed so far away I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“That’s okay, I was just having a deja vu.” I said as my heart pounded against my chest.

“You are white as a ghost. Are you sure you are okay?”

I trembled for a bit as flashes of the man from my dreams began to fill my mind. The teardrop from his eye, the words that came from his mouth, the very smell of his breath. It was as if we were standing face to face in the same room.

“I think I need to go back to my room and lay down for a bit”, I said to Joan in a panic.

“Would you like me to call someone to come escort you back to your room?”

“No that’s fine” I said as I scurried off toward the elevator.

The images of this man continued to stalk me in the elevator, the hallways and past the nurses station. I just wanted to escape him but he relentlessly pursued me. Finally I reached my room and buried my face into my pillow to try and rid my head of the man whom I had tried to escape from in my night terrors. Over and again the images of him with the words he was saying resonated, it was as if I had been transported to some other time and place to take part in some sick twisted movie.

“Como quieres a morir?” he whispered into my ear.

My heart races and I pull the pillow over my head tighter trying to block out the sound of his voice and the smell of his breath. “Go away”, I yelled.

“You’re mine Puto!” he says holding his knife to my throat.

At that point everything stops. The voices are gone, the smells are no more and my head is finally silent. What had just happened? Was I dreaming while I was awake? Was I imagining the things that were playing in my head? What was it that my was sub-conscious was trying to withdraw from my mind? Everything about what I had just experienced was so real and frightening that it couldn’t possibly have been a dream.

I got up from my bed and looked around hoping that I would find myself alone from anyone that might have been watching or listening. I poked my head out the door and looked up and down the hallway for any activity but there was none, other than my heart trying to slow itself down. All that I had known to be reality I began to question and any amount of normalcy soon turned to dismay and doubt. Something or someone had its grip on me and was not about to let go and until then, I was its prisoner.

New Kid on the Block

On the second day of my surrender, I was comfortable enough to join the other residents for lunch in the cafeteria. Tracy, luckily for me had allowed me a little more courage than if I had to face it not knowing anyone. On our stroll down to the cafeteria it was almost like being in high school all over again. As we were approaching the cafeteria the residents of the substance abuse ward were leaving the cafeteria having had the first lunch shift, probably to keep them more subdued having gone through detox. They looked at us as the jocks would look at the gang bangers before a rally and vice versa. It was somewhat comical to see the behaviors of people in captivity and how they almost seemed to be marking their territories.

“That one there has been in since the last time I was here” said Tracy as she lifted her hand half way up her chest to give a polite wave to this tall, long haired tattooed man in his thirties.

I looked at Tracy in disbelief, ”the last time you were here?”

“Oh yes honey, my husband has good insurance and any reason to get away from him.”

I thought it funny that the more I hung around her the more relieved I was to know that maybe I am a bit more normal than I had previously thought. We walked into the cafeteria and I was expecting a much different set up. In my head I was ready for the typical cafeteria setting where the tables were side by side in rows of 4 or 5. To my surprise, it looked more like a restaurant with it’s large wooden round tables and matching chairs, linen napkins and even self-serve carts close by with assorted beverages. It also had a social area with sofas where people could sit and chat or visit with one another until it was time to retreat back to the residential areas. As I am walking with Tracy to the food line I can’t help but to think that had I known it was this nice, I would have had the breakdown a long time ago.

“No wonder you like coming here”, I said to Tracy.

“I have about the same comforts at home, I just can’t seem to get rid of my husband”, she said out of one side of her mouth.

I never pressed Tracy to share too much of her home life because I knew that we had group therapy sessions coming soon and eventually I would catch small glimpses into her life, so I waited patiently.

After getting our food, which was quite a selection buffet style, we walked to a table toward the window where we had a view of the courtyard. It was surrounded by a twelve foot brick wall and on the far end of the courtyard was a rectangular shaped lap pool with about 4 lanes. Surrounding the pool were several patio tables and chairs as well as some sofas and ottomans. Along the inside of the courtyard opposite the twelve foot walls was a wall of glass that extended from the cafeteria to the opposite side of the pool. That wall of glass encased a walkway that extended from just outside the cafeteria and connected to another building in which they held occupational therapy sessions. There, residents could engage in all sorts of arts and crafts from painting to pottery making meant to teach each individual how to follow through on different projects. It was taught to us that this technique was essential in making us active and productive members of society.

After sitting at the table to eat our food we were joined by 2 of the other residents. Micheal, the older man that was having a hard time being gay and Kieth, another gay resident that had moved from the substance abuse wing to begin his integration back into society without drugs. I can’t say that I was surprised that he too was gay because in the late 80’s the gays were really coming out of the closet in droves and I am sure that they were having as hard of a time as I was.

“This is Kieth”, Tracy said with a grin.

I extended my hand, “It’s nice to meet you Kieth”.

“Likewise”, he said

We continued to eat our lunch and Tracy seemed to have been the social butterfly of the group and the most popular of all residents. I assumed that it was due to the fact that it was her regular vacation spot but non the less it was nice to have a guide. She continued the conversation back and forth between the 3 men at her table and it was the first time that I had heard the term, Faghag. Micheal, the older gay gentleman, had referred to her as that later in the conversation and at that time I looked at Tracy to see what kind of reaction she had. I thought she would be offended but evidently she was perfectly comfortable with that title.

“So what happens after lunch?”, I asked the table.

“Well we have group therapy on Tuesdays and Thursdays”, Tracy says as she exhales the smoke from her cigarette.

It was Tuesday which meant that in about an hour from then we would all sit in a room with a counselor and listen to each others life burdens. I of course had no intention of letting anything out, or letting anyone in.

“How does that usually go?”, I said nervously.

“Oh the usual”, Kieth says rolling his eyes. ”The same people telling the same stories looking for sympathy.”

It was obvious that Kieth did not want to be there and that he wasn’t there of his own free will. Kieth was a tall, slim guy about 5′ 11″ and 165 pounds, short brown hair, brown eyes. His face was a bit on the gaunt side probably from the drugs he had been using before arriving at the hospital. He was an angry person but at times I caught a partial smile when we would talk about clubbing or men. I knew there was a nice guy hiding in there if he could just get past all of the resentment he was holding onto.

After lunch we all made our way back to our rooms to freshen up and get ready for “group” as it was referred to by the residents. Uneasy as I was about it I was told that we all talk when we are ready so I wasn’t exactly sure that I was going to voice anything about me until I had a chance to figure out what brought me there in the first place. Besides, it seemed as if there were plenty of others to take up the hour or two that we would be entangled in everyones lives. I got myself together, took a deep breath and made my way down the hallway outside of the residential wing in one of the meeting rooms where everyone met for group.

As I walked into the room I could feel eyes staring me down so I tried quickly to scan the room in hopes that Tracy, Kieth or Micheal were already there and I would sit with them. Unfortunately no one had arrived and just as I went to select a chair, in walks Tracy.

“Hello Dear” Tracy says while putting her cigarrette pack and lighter back in her case. “What did I miss?”

My ass had not had the chance to touch the seat so I got up and walked to Tracy and joined her in what I assumed to be her “regular chair”. Everyone there seemed, for the most part, to stake a claim to some inanimate object or another.

“Come sit” she said as she patted the seat of the chair next to her, “You won’t want to miss this.”

The room started to fill up and I could feel my nerves begin to unsettle and as the residents of the psych ward dragged themselves in as if they were being hearded into a cattle truck. Some of them smiling, some of them with a deer in the headlight look on their faces and some just didn’t want to be there at all and then walks in Kieth, late as usual and complete with a frown on his face.

Tracy flags down Kieth, “Here we are my love!”

Kieth rolls his eyes at the size of the crowd in the room and grunts, ” Guess they all came to see the new kid on the block”, referring to me of course.

“Well they arent getting anything out of me today!” I said nervously.

“They will have to pry it from my dead red juicy lips”, said Tracy sarcastically. ”You talk when you are ready honey, and don’t let anyone tell you different. As long as your insurance is good, they won’t be pushing you to say a word!”

I was somewhat amazed that having insurance could command so much attention. I wasn’t sure if the military insurance just came with better perks or perhaps that the doctors just knew how to manipulate the system. Either way I was in for the long haul and luckily for me, had the resources for a comfortable leave of absence from life.

After a few minutes of chatting, the groups therapist walks in escorted by one of the floors MHT or Mental Health Technician. I came to know them as the therapists bodyguards since they were almost never absent during any kind of group therapy session or activity. They were usually large men and had the stance of a brick wall. They were both friendly and intimidating but usually greeted me with a smile. I think they knew I wasn’t about to cause any kind of trouble and if I did, they could certainly handle me.

“How is everyone today?” said Patty holding her clipboard.

Patty was one of three of the groups therapists that would take turn leading the group in it’s sessions. She was a taller woman, about 5′ 9″, 40-50 years old, short curly light brownish gray hair. She usually showed up wearing different color cardigans, polyester pants and black nursing shoes. She wore reading glasses that hung around her neck on a gold chain, putting them on when she referred to her clip board and off when addressing the group. She wasn’t at all intimidating but reminded me of a school teacher that I had in middle school and just as in school I had feared the inevitable.

“We have a new addition to our family if you hadn’t already met him.”

I could have crawled into a hole. I stood up nervously and waved around to everyone on the room. Luckily for me the introduction was quick and I sat down just as quickly as I stood. I could feel every eye on me for the next few seconds although it seemed more like an hour. When I finally started to look around the room, everyone had already disengaged me and were already beginning to make faces at one another in anticipation of who would be spilling their emotional guts in the middle of the floor. Directly across the room from me was Vikki. She had taken a seat next to Patty and had passed on the invitation to speak so Patty continued around the room and one by one the offer to vent was shot down. Just before Patty had come around to me, Kieth had a little something to say to the group.

“I’m gonna talk since no one else wants to and besides, the more I talk in here the quicker my doctor will let me out of this shit hole!”

There was so much bitterness and resentment coming from Kieth. You can feel all the negativity and the years of anger and frustration that he had gone through and continued to hold onto. Everyone in the room seemed to have been familiar with his story and many would roll their eyes as he was speaking. It was clear that Kieth was very vocal in group therapy only to appease his doctor but evidently it wasn’t enough and was denied discharge several times prior to that day.

“Tell us why you are so angry Kieth”, said Patty peering above her reading glasses that were resting on the end of her nose.

“I’m fuckin pissed because I have to be here in this God damned room with all of you mental fucks!” he said while squirming in his seat.

Kieth was angry but until that point I never realized just how angry and possibly disturbed he was. At the same time I was in no position to make a judgment without knowing his history and how he came to be there. He was never angry or bitter toward me, never showed any ill in my direction so I didn’t take his comment about “mental fucks” to heart. I was, however, a bit more connected with him knowing that he held much inside and couldn’t seem to find a way to get it out in a way that he could understand and process it better.

The more that Patty talked to him the more he seemed to get irritated which then put the MHT on guard. His mood began to escalate and with every passing second he became more intent on creating a scene. This seemed to be a pattern of his as evident by the position that the group took. Everyone seemed to start to squirm in their seats and began talking to each other about the comments that Kieth was making to the group. Soon, Sam, the MHT or bodyguard stood up in an attempt to secure the room and make sure that he was ready should Kieth’s next move become volatile.

“You people are nothing more than puppets for the doctors!” he said to Patty and Sam as he stood up to make his point.

“You all can’t even think for yourselves, you sit here with us thinking you know us and you all don’t know shit!”

“Either sit and calm down or you are going to need to go back to your room” said Sam calmly standing with his arms crossed.

“You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me….Where do you think your paycheck comes from” he yelled in Sams face.

Finally, Patty requested to Sam that he escort Kieth back to his room. Kieth didn’t resist but could also not resist getting one more dig in to the staff.

“You people don’t know shit about anything and you don’t give a shit about anyone here, it only matters that our doctors collect the insurance money to pay your sorry asses!” he said as he was walking out the door.

As the door closed behind Kieth, silence fell onto the room. You could literally hear a pin drop and no one dared to say a word until finally, Patty breaks the silence.

“So does anyone else have anything they want to get off their chest?” she says in an almost sarcastic voice.

The room filled with laughter for a few seconds, just enough to break the awkward silence and then Vikki decided that she wanted to speak out. Vikki and Kieth were buddies, it seemed that they had something in common as I had seen them chatting with one another in the recreation room and in other areas of the hospital.

“He’s a good guy” she said sitting in her chair in her usual position, legs up to her chest as she cradled them. ”He’s just misunderstood.”

That was all Vikki had to say and Patty extended her hand to Vikki’s arm. ”We know he’s a good guy Vikki, he just needs time.”

Finally the room was calm and a couple of the other residents decided that they wanted to speak a few words and the remaining time was spent in scattered conversation. I have to say that for my first day of group therapy, even though I had nothing to say, learned quite a bit pertaining to human behavior. Kieth had much to get off his chest that day and left quite an impression about not only his life but the questions that were burned into my mind that day. Who were my friends? Who could I really trust? Were the staff really there to help or were we just a source of income? It was only a matter of time before the answers to those questions would be answered but wouldn’t come until well after my extended rehabilitation at Colonial Hills.

A Caged Lion

With a growing skepticism about my decision to have myself committed, we exited the elevator onto the second floor, stepped out and walked forward down the hall passing several doors on our way. There were offices and meeting rooms on either side of the hallway and at the end of the hall were two sets of double-doors. The ones to the left were the entrance of the substance abuse ward and to the right, the entrance to the psych ward, neither of which held much comfort as we approached. In the middle of the two sets of doors was a room encased in plate glass which was used as the security station for the floor. From there the staff and security could see clear down the hallway to the elevator and stairway as well as the entrances to all of the offices and visitation or meeting rooms. The floor was very well laid out and didn’t allow much freedom for movement outside of each of the wards. By that time I was seriously questioning whether or not I had made the right choice.

As we approached the doors to the psych ward there was a nurse watching as we walked up to the door. She had mousy brown hair in a shoulder length bob, about 5′ 10′ and skinny. As I walked to the door she looks at me and smiles, with that I was not nearly as threatened as I was but I still remain guarded. ”Hi I’m Cathy” she said as she held a clipboard against her chest, “Hello” I muttered. I was barely able to look up at her in fear that I would break down and make a fool out of myself. ”I’m going to be taking you to show you your room and we’ll sit and talk for a few minutes.” Around the nurses desk where we were, I turned around and behind me was the main area where everyone would come to sit and visit with their family, have coffee or watch TV. Several other residents were scattered through out this area and of course, all of their eyes on me. I turn to Cathy and said, “Guess everyone is curious about the new guy huh?” She giggles a bit and tells me, “You will be sitting in those chairs wondering the same thing they are before you know it.”

I wasn’t sure where my mind was at that point but I knew that I was absolutely wiped out. Cathy grabbed a small pink plastic tub and then she and one of the male attendants followed us down the hall to my new living quarters. Once in the room she laid her clipboard as well as the pink tub on one of the beds in my room, evidently the bed that was to be mine. She then tells me in somewhat of a cautious voice, “I have to ask you if you have anything sharp that you might be able to harm yourself with.” I can’t say that I was surprised at the question and then she went on, ” I need to ask you to empty your pockets and take off your socks and shoes.” I was somewhat intimidated as the attendant was watching like a hawk but I proceeded. ”Mark is going to just do a light body search just to make sure”, she said. ”We have to do this for everyones protection.” It seemed a bit much but judging by some of the patients I saw upon my arrival I could see why they had to be so cautious.

Once they were done with their search and seizure of any “sharps” as they liked to call them, Cathy asked if I needed anything. Unfortunately what I wanted was to be home but I knew that wasn’t a possibility and I began to tear up. No sooner had I raised my hand to wipe the tear from my eye my doctor walks in. It was so nice to see a familiar face after having been patted down by the male attendant and made somewhat to feel like a criminal. ”Hey I see you settled into your room, how are you feeling?” he asked. ”Doing okay, just a little tired,” I said. There was an awkward moment of silence but he never looked away from me and smiled at me the entire time. He then explained to me that he would see me 3 times a week and that my therapist would be in twice a week to check on me and for regular therapy sessions. ”You will be very safe here and I know that you will do well with your treatment. Is there anything I can get you before I leave? Do you need anything for anxiety or sleep?” I was sure that I probably wouldn’t need any help falling asleep but was naturally a bit on the anxious side. I never even had to tell him, he automatically knew and said, “I’ll prescribe something for you right away and they will bring it to you soon. There is no pressure to meet anyone here, you take it at your own pace. If you need anything just tell the nurses and they will call me.” He walked out the door, I laid down on the bed and cried myself to sleep.

It was about 6 in the evening when I was awakened by the nurse to alert me that it was time for dinner. Since it was my first night, dinner was delivered to my room to try and make the transition easier. The less people I had to deal with right away the less anxiety I would have. There was plenty of time over the next few days for me to become acquainted with everyone in the psych ward. After eating dinner in my room the nurse returned with my medications for the night and to take my vitals as they would end up doing every night. I really didn’t know what to expect next as I had not been briefed on what our daily schedule or rehabilitation would consist of so I was kind of figuring it out as I went along. It was the first night however so I figured that the first couple of days would be spent in orientation mode.

Later that night, I woke up screaming and drenched in sweat again. The man that had been haunting me in my night terrors had made his return to torment me some more. The staff had already changed shifts and the new attendants came running to the room. ”Are you okay?” asked Carl, one of the night staff. ”I’m okay” I replied trying to catch my breath. ”Just bad dreams” I told him. ”Must have been a pretty bad dream, you need something to sleep?” he asked. I really didn’t want to spend all of my time in the hospital doped up so I said, “no that’s okay I’ll be fine.” He walked out the room and I laid back down but the image of this man continued to stalk me and I couldn’t go back to sleep. We were not confined to our rooms at all, we couldn’t go any further than the main meeting area or “living room” but thankfully were at liberty to sit and watch TV and have a cup of coffee if we wanted.

As I walked into what I will call from here on as the “living room”, I was surprised to see that I was not the only one that was having a hard time sleeping. There were about 4 others that were wandering the hall or sitting watching TV or having coffee or a smoke. I was greeted by a very friendly woman, a face that I had seen briefly upon my arrival, one of the patients. She was a short woman about 5′ 6″, not heavy but not thin, big eyes and very large smile. ”Hi I’m Tracy” she said as she mixed her coffee with a stir straw. I introduced myself as well and said, “nice to meet you Tracy.” She looked as tired as I felt but her smile was the warmth that I so badly needed being in such a cold and lonely place. ”So what are you in for?” she said. I kind of chuckled at the question because it sounded like a typical jail or prison line. ”I’ve been having blackouts and lost some of my memory in an accident last year”, I said. I felt kind of stupid proclaiming that to a total stranger because to this point I had not been very honest with my own family about it. ”I have been having flashbacks and just having a hard time dealing with them, what about you?” She looked at me and smiled, then kind of looked away as if embarrassed about her reason and said, “oh I’m just having problems with my husband and needed a break.” I couldn’t do much but smile at her but I knew it was just her way of saying that she didn’t really want to get into it. I respected her privacy and figured that it would only be a matter of time before she would come clean.

We sat for a few minutes more while I had some coffee and got to know each other. She began pointing around the room to fill me in on the residents that were up and about. ”Thats Vikki over there” she whispers, pointing with her eyes to this frail, tiny blonde haired woman with dark circles under her eyes that was sitting with her feet on the chair and her arms wrapped around her legs holding her knees up to her chest, rocking back and forth. ”She’s been here 2 or 3 times, cant’ sleep at all and won’t eat.” My heart went out to her and I began to think that maybe my problems weren’t all that bad. She looked so fragile that you could snap her like a twig, very unhealthy and very withdrawn as if she had just given up. ”And over there”, she whispers again and points, “that’s Fred, he’s in for depression, he’s had problems being gay.” Fred was a much older man in his fifties, tall, thin with a white moustache and was balding. I could certainly empathize with him although we were not at all close in age and could only imagine what it was like to be gay in the time of his youth.

We were nearly done with our coffee and as she put out her cigarette she turned and said, “well honey, I’m gonna try and get back to sleep, my Ativan is kicking in.” I realized at that point that medications were going to be a big player during my stay as I had seen patients being given pills at the nurses station. ”I’ll see you in the morning”, Tracy said and then walked down the hall into her room. It was nice to have made an acquaintance so early into my stay and I no longer felt like I was the only one in the world that had issues that I needed to deal with. Tracy had befriended me with no expectations and I knew at that point she would be a guide of sorts to help me get through this orientation period. I said goodnight to the nurses and went back to bed in anticipation of my next night terror and what the next day would bring but overall, my spirit had not been broken and I kept the will to move forward in the long journey ahead of me.

The Aftermath

It had been one week since the quake in San Francisco and every night after that was very difficult. Sweaty and shaking, I was awakened constantly by night terrors about the quake and I wasn’t getting much sleep because of them. I still had not heard from Jim and I couldn’t help but to wonder if that maybe had I begged and pleaded for him not to go, perhaps we would still be in Oceanside safe and sound. I was filled with so much grief and guilt that it may have been my actions that had created so much chaos in so many lives. My days were filled with anxiety and I found myself nervous and pacing all the time. My legs would tremor when I sat and I could do nothing to control it. I was having one panic attack after another and each worse than the one before.

By that time, I was only seeing my therapist once a week and when he found out that I had been having so many anxiety issues and not sleeping, he suggested that I see him at least 3 times a week and then alerted my psychiatrist who then prescribed something that would help me sleep. That night after picking up my medications I went home, had dinner, took a pill and settled down for the night. Within 30 minutes, everything began to blur and before I knew it, I was out.

Somewhere in the middle of the night I abruptly woke to someone with their hands tightly clenched around my neck. I was kicking and trying to catch my breath but I was having such a hard time with the weight of what seemed to be a man on top of me and then slowly, it becomes harder to breathe. I began to kick harder and started swinging my hands trying to get him to loosen his grip and finally I open my eyes, take a deep breath and I start screaming. Trying hard to catch my breath I continue to swing my hands but there’s no one there, I’m completely alone. I had probably the worst night terror yet, so real that it was hard to believe that it wasn’t actually happening.

That night was so disturbing that I had to see my therapist right away to find out whether or not this was a normal side effect of the medication that I had been prescribed. I was visibly shaken and he could see very well that my mind was either going to shut down or that I was going to snap. ”I think that you need to consider checking yourself into the hospital” he said, because he feared that I would do harm to myself but I managed to convince him that I was okay. There was no way that I was going into a hospital after hearing stories of how they treated people with mental disorders so I did my best to pull it together to avoid being involuntarily committed.

For the next few days I did all that I could to keep myself together but it wasn’t an easy task especially around family. Usually I just tried to read a book or would sit and watch TV when I could. My sister Deena, who I was staying with was working quite a bit and when she wasn’t working was spending time with friends. From time to time I would take walks around the apartment complex where we lived, but I was usually so anxious and paranoid that I just didn’t want to be out or away from the apartment for too long. I tried to isolate myself from my friends and family to avoid any triggers of more memories that would knock me down every time I was around something familiar. My mind just didn’t know how to process all of this information and every once in a while, flashbacks came in the form of nightmares similar to the man choking me while I slept.

All I knew was that I had to hold on until my therapist and doctor could finally find a way to get me out of the spokes of this spinning tire I was trapped in. Looking back to that time I felt as if I were watching a movie that was stopped and restarted randomly not having a clarity on where the story was at the time. The memories had no schedule of their arrival nor did they wait until I was ready, it was like a baby ready to be born.

On Halloween night, Deena decided that she was going to go to a party with some friends. She had asked if I wanted to come with her but I just didn’t feel like socializing. Unfortunately my condition had started to affect me socially and I just couldn’t handle being around people without feeling total anxiety. I just wanted to be alone and her social calender on that night allowed me that wish. She headed out the door somewhere around 9pm and as she was leaving, I told her to be safe and then she asked, “are you sure you don’t want to go?” Part of me thought it might be good to let go for a while but I said, “no that’s okay, I’m just gonna stay here and relax.” She walked out the door and I closed the door behind her.

To complete shock and dismay I awoke with my head in my mothers lap at her house. Dazed, I looked around trying to understand how I had gotten there, I began to panic. “It’s okay, lay still” my mother said. ”You’re home.” She was rubbing the back of my head and I remember how good it felt. It was like I was a kid again and she was trying to put me to sleep by rubbing my head. I started crying, “what happened? How did I get here? What am I doing here?” Mom was visibly shaken that I didn’t have any idea of what had happened and she herself started to tear up.

“Deena said she came home and couldn’t open the door all the way. You were passed out and were blocking the way so she couldn’t get in.” I was completely oblivious, I couldn’t remember what had happened, “What time is it?” I asked. ”its 8:45″ mom said. ”At night?” I asked. I was so disoriented and feared that I had either lost more of my memory or had done something horrible to myself. ”No its 8:45 in the morning” she said. ”I went to go pick you up and you walked yourself to the car and then inside the house when we got here, don’t you remember any of it?” I couldn’t remember a thing, no dreams, no sounds, no flashes absolutely nothing.

I had taken all I could take and after realizing that I had lost nearly 12 hours and could not recall anything after closing the door behind my sister, I finally gave in. I got up from the sofa and told my mother to take me to the hospital. The fear of not knowing where I was, where I had gone, what I may have done to myself or someone else during my blackout was too great. I could no longer put myself or my family, mainly my mother, through all of this pain and uncertainty. I had to fix what had been broken over a year ago, I had to fix me.

Mom called my doctor and told him that we would meet him at the hospital and fortunately he was already there. When we drove up to the front doors, some of the staff were already waiting and walked outside to greet us. Two men, fairly large and dressed in plain clothes with name tags approached and I remember feeling terribly scared that they would put me in a straight jacket. Behind them walked out my doctor, dressed in a black double breasted suit, a very colorful tie and black leather boots. He was a short man around 5′ 5″, thin with dark hair, almost a mullet but usually had it slicked back. He actually looked like he could have been in the mafia but had a very warm disposition, a very trusting man.

He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “how are you doin? You okay with this?” At that point I was beginning to doubt it, but knew that I either go through with this and find out or I continue going down the destructive path I was already on. ”I’m good” I said. The two men in plain clothes escorted me and my mother through the doors. Just beyond those doors was another door of metal and plate glass in which we had to buzzed in. Once through that door we were greeted by a nurse and led to an office where I sat down and was given a quick evaluation. As the nurse was taking my vitals, she looks at my mother and says, “don’t worry, he’ll be fine here.” I looked at my mother, saw the tears swelling in her eyes as she looks over at me and it nearly killed me that she was hurting so much for me, ”I’ll be alright”, I told her, “it’s what I need to do.”

Once the nurse was done with her evaluation it was time for me to go to my room. Visitors and family were not allowed in the ward or in the rooms with the patients on their first day or their first week after checking in. So right there and then, I said goodbye to my mother and it felt as if it would be for the last time. I broke down in tears as I started to walk away, my mother, trying hard to hold back her own, finally broke and all I could do to keep from completely breaking down was to keep walking down the hall until finally I walked through a set of double doors and could no longer see her anymore. Once again, I was alone.

An Earth Shaking Revalation

In September of 89′, nearly a month after my “coming out” party, little by little Jody and I started to talk less and less. Partly from the hurt that I was sure she was feeling and partly because I didn’t know what to say to her. She had asked me if I had wanted to separate and of course I was still in love with her but at the same time, was having strong sexual feelings for men and without a doubt, I knew that it wasn’t fair to her. I needed to make a decision but didn’t know where I would go or what I would do. I had very little option and going home to Texas just didn’t seem like a good one.

One day after coming home from work and settling in for the day, Jody asked if we could talk. Dreading the “talk” I had no choice at that point but to say yes. She started talking about the day we met and how she knew that this relationship was special. She knew that it would change her life forever but didn’t understand in what way until now. ”I have no regrets about us or anything that we have done or where things are now” she said. Tears started to form in her eyes as she continued, “I knew that at some point I was going to have to let you go and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it but I see how much you are suffering without having to make these kinds of decisions.” I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach and it was gut wrenching to have to watch her drag these words out into the open. ”I prayed that we could find a solution to this and I’ve cried every day since my birthday.”

I felt guilty enough about it already, but I owed it to her to sit, listen and swallow it no matter how bitter the taste. ”When I was showering the other day I noticed that I was bleeding from down there” she said. ”I got scared and aunt Lynn took me to the doctor for a check up.” I know that by that time my own blood had completely gone from my head because I was getting dizzy and nauseated but I held it together. ”I lost the baby” she blurted out as tears rolled down her cheeks. I had never felt so defeated as I did at that point. What had I done to this poor girl. Look at the pain and suffering that I had brought on with all of my issues. I felt responsible for not just ruining her life, but I was also guilty of the loss of life, my son. ”It was a boy” she said and then she started to cry harder.

I pulled her close to me and put my arms around her and said, “I’m so sorry…I’m sorry about everything, about ruining your life, about making a fool out of you to everyone.” Jody was so unconditionally gracious and proved at that point why I fell in love with her and once she started to settle and the tears slowed turned to me and said, “This isn’t your fault, everything happens for a reason and when I prayed for an answer, God was listening.” Jody had a strong faith in God and understandably so having been molested and abandoned by her parents. ”I asked him what to do and this was his answer and I have to accept it” she said. “This was the only way that I can find the way to let you go so that you can take care of yourself without having to worry about anything else.” I had no choice at that point but to accept things the way they had happened and to move on. We said our goodbyes to each other, I packed my things and the next day showed up at Mel’s doorstep and told her that I needed her help.

Mel didn’t really have a choice but to open her door to me once she found out all that was going on. I’m sure that she felt in someway that she was partly responsible for my being catapulted into a situation that was bound to end up in chaos. She was as gracious as she could be and her girlfriend, tolerant at best. It was just until I could figure out what my next step was going to be and in the meantime I could get my head together and continue with my mental rehab. During this time Jim had made regular trips from Fallbrook to Oceanside to see me as well as cart me back and forth to my appointments. He had more of a presence after my break up and I’m sure was much more comfortable that he didn’t have to really hide his feelings or who he was.

In October, nearing the one year anniversary of my near fatal accident, Jim came to me to tell me that he could no longer live his closeted life in Fallbrook and decided that it was time for him to move on and said that San Francisco would be the perfect place for him to be who he knew he was and wanted to be. ”I want you to come with me” he said. ”I think this would be the perfect place for you to get your life back together and I will be there for you.” I really didn’t know what to think at this point being that I had just lost quite a bit in this last relationship. ”I won’t put any pressure on you I just want to be with you and make sure you are okay.” Jim had that special way of making you believe that everything was going to be okay and it usually was. I was beginning to be very comfortable with the idea and the thought of getting away from everything here and start fresh once again. ”Okay, lets go” I said to him. ”Let’s get the hell out of here!”

We had planned our drive to San Francisco to arrive around Monday October 16th and began to make arrangements to stay with some friends of Jim that had moved there for college after graduating from high school. We were both very excited and understandably a bit nervous of not knowing exactly what was ahead. Excitement and nervousness, however, were not the only feelings I was having. Settling in were the feelings and perhaps, doubt, that maybe this wasn’t the right move. Something in my head was nagging at me leading me to question whether or not this might be the best solution. I ignored them though and pushed forward with our plans.

In the mean time Mel had been questioning whether or not I should return home to be with my family and that perhaps my therapy would be much more effective being surrounded by family and friends. I thought maybe she was a bit jealous and was trying to sway me so that she would no longer have to bear any of the guilt from the past or possibly the future. She at times insisted that I should go home but she was not the most likely person that I would listen to for advice considering everything that had happened when I arrived in California.

A few days later I received a phone call from my mother in Texas. We had always had a very strong connection and having a mothers intuition, she knew exactly when I was going through a difficult time and up until now, I had avoided her phone calls or any contact with her or my family. This time, that feeling was tugging at me and I had to take the phone call. ”How are you doing Robert?” she said. ”Mel called me a couple of days ago and told me what was going on and that you are planning to move to San Francisco.” I wanted to KILL Mel for calling my parents and informing them of all of my plans. I was furious and could not believe that she would betray me knowing that my mother and I had such a strong bond. ” I don’t think its a good idea and we really want you to come home.” She went on to tell me that she had already gone to the airport to purchase my ticket to come home and that all I had to do was get to the airport.

What was I going to do? I had already made plans to go with Jim and he would be crushed. I had become so comfortable with him and in my mind I was ready to go. I could not imagine at this point not having him in my life since he has always been there for me and he knew everything there was to know about me, but still, my mother was asking me to come home and I had a hard time resisting. I told her that I would think about it and let her know and I hung up the phone. Afterward, Mel and I had it out and argued for a good hour about her betrayal but she insisted time and time again that she was just doing what she thought would be best for me and finally, I gave up for the sake of argument and left the apartment to clear my head.

On the evening of October 10th, the one year mark of the accident Jim and I met to talk about our plans. He said that he had wanted to sit down with me to make sure that what we were doing was what I wanted to do. ”I know that you are going through some stuff and I told you I always wanted to be there for you” he paused, “but I don’t want to take you away from your family when you are starting to remember things about them.” I started to see in Jim’s eyes that he had more to say than just that. ”I’m afraid that we are going to get to San Francisco and you are going to start to remember everything and will want to leave and go back to Texas to be with your family and I don’t know that I could handle that.” He started to cry and I knew that he had not completely said what he came to say. ”I would rather let you go now before we have made a life together than for both of us to be completely crushed later down the road and make it harder for you to go home at a time that you need it the most.” Unfortunately, the crush came much sooner, I was devastated but I wasn’t going to beg or plead for him to reconsider. I simply kept in mind what Jody had said to me days before, “Everything happens for a reason.”

On Sunday October 15th, Jim came to say goodbye to me at Mel’s apartment. After sitting with him for about an hour he got up and said, “It’s time for me to go.” The time had finally come and it seemed as if this huge chapter in my life was coming to a close and that I was losing a piece of myself. ”I’m not sure that I can let you go” I said. ”But I know that I can’t go with you but you know where I will be.” He looked at me, cupped his hands around my face and said, ” I will always be with you, I love you.” The tears came fast and furious down my cheeks and he wiped them off of each side of my face with his thumbs. ”You’ll only have to call me and I’ll be there” and then he kissed me. I couldn’t help but to weep and wondered if this would be the last time that I would ever see him. He got into his car, pulled out of the driveway, stuck his hand out the window and waved, and just like that, he was gone.

The next morning, Mel drove me to the airport and by that afternoon I was on my way back to Texas. By evening I was back home and had decided that I would stay with my sister instead of at my mother’s house as she was busy raising my 2 younger siblings and thought it would be less distracting if I had a bit more peace and quiet. The following day I made arrangements to go see a therapist that my mother had been referred to for me. I was a bit nervous having to meet this new doctor and try to catch him up on everything that had happened over the past year. It was going to be a long process but the only thing I could think of was, “did I make the right decision?” I spent most of that day having to re-live the accounts of the past year as I was forced to get them out and begin to deal with them and of course, thinking of Jim.

On the morning of October 18th, I went to visit my mother. I wanted to catch up with everything that had been going on while I was away and of course wanted to fill her in on everything that had gotten me to this point. That was cut short however because when I walked into the house, she was sitting at the table, in tears. She seemed to avoid telling me why she was so upset and I had figured maybe that she and dad had gotten into an argument as at that time in life dad had his own demons that he was dealing with. ”Did you and dad have a fight?” I asked. ”No” she replied. I pushed further as she folded the newspaper that she had been reading and turned it upside down on the table. ”Whats wrong then, why are you crying?” She fumbled with the paper a bit more and by this time she said, “I don’t want you to get upset” and finally, handed me the newspaper. As I turned the paper over and read the front page headline, my heart completely stopped.

On the evening of October 17th, 1989 San Francisco had suffered a major earthquake leveling freeways, buildings and leaving behind a trail of devastation to the city. My first thought was of Jim and whether or not he was okay but at that time cell phones were very new and only the rich could afford one, there was no internet or “Windows’ so the only way to communicate was through a land line telephone or snail mail so there was nothing I could do but wait for him to call me to tell me that he was fine.

The other thought in my mind was that I realized I would have been there and perhaps dead, had Jim not made the decision for me to come home, had Mel not interfered with my plans, had my mother not been so insistent on my coming home and had I not heard the words that Jody had said when she told me that she had mis-carried, “Everything happens for a reason.”

Coming Out......Again

In the days following the dream of dancing, music, lights and disappearing women, the details of that night had become more vivid and a feeling in my gut was telling me that something was looming. All the while, Jody and Jim stood by my side and tried to help me make sense of it all. I was very open with both of them of my past and of the history that was my own before the accident in 88′. We had all decided that maybe it was best that I saw a therapist to help me deal with the anxiety as well as the events of my past. At first, Jody and I went to therapy together and then little by little it was suggested to me by my therapist that I start seeing him on my own so that I didn’t feel that I had to restrain any feelings from my past.

A month of therapy later and with my birthday approaching I found myself becoming more isolated with my feelings and usually tense and it did not go without notice. Jody had felt that everything was weighing very heavy on my mind and to make light of things, decided to throw me a birthday party. I thought it was a good idea and was looking forward to letting go for a while and spending some quality time with friends. She invited everyone that worked with us at the Bell as well as all of our friends and what family she had nearby and of course, Jim.

It was a crowded house that night and the party was in full swing. The bass of the music was loud, the DJ lights were bright and almost blinding and everyone was dancing, carrying on and having a great time but I just couldn’t bring myself to let go of that feeling, that feeling that something just wasn’t right. Everything was getting to me and I needed some fresh air so I told Jody that I was going outside for a few minutes. ”Do you want me to come?” she said. ”No that’s okay”, I said. ”I just need a minute”. A few minutes after I went outside, Jim comes out the door and walks up to me and asks, “you doing okay”? ”No” I replied. ”I can’t get my head together and feel like i’m about to break”. Tears started to form in my eyes and I felt so alone and so far away from anything familiar and then the tears rolled down my cheeks. Jim raised his right finger to my face, wiped the tears off of my right cheek, cupped his hands on my face, looked into my eyes then pulled in and kissed me on the lips. I was frozen.

As Jim was kissing me, it felt as if he knew everything that was going on inside my head. It was as if he knew that his kiss would wipe away all of the hurt and would bring understanding to all of the noise that was in my head and at that very moment just before he took his lips off of mine, I had yet again, this deja vu feeling. I had done this before, somewhere, with someone else. The familiarity of being kissed by a man came rushing in as if it had just happened and it was then that I put everything together. The memories that I had lost in the accident were beginning to return and there was little that I could do other than to try and put them into perspective. I was shattered because up to that point all I felt was that I was meant to be with Jody, meant to be with a woman.

I quickly pulled away from Jim, “damn Robb I’m really sorry” he said. ”I just didn’t know what else to do and I have been wanting to do that since the day we met but Jody is one of my best friends and I knew that it would be wrong”. ”Then why now?” I asked. ”Because I knew that if I didn’t do it now then I might never get the chance again” he said. It still had not hit me that he had been interested in me for so long but I was so lost in my own world that I wasn’t paying attention to anything or anyone else around me. ”Please don’t tell Jody” he pleaded. I promised him that I wouldn’t and said, “I can’t even make sense of what I’m feeling right now but I do know that I want you to be around”. Jim said that he would always be around and that I didn’t have to worry about that.

After we finished talking we went back inside to try and enjoy what was left of the evening. I was certain that people would read right through us but as we walked in the house no one even seemed to notice that we were missing. Jody was busy with all our friends and had even become a little drunk. At one point during the evening she was feeling a bit playful and led me to the bedroom for a quickie. I was very hesitant because I didn’t want everyone to notice that we were missing but I gave in and before I knew it I was trapped in the bedroom. During the short time we were scratching her itch, I couldn’t help that something had changed or rather, didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel the same thrill that I had felt before while making love or having sex with Jody, it left me feeling kind of empty and almost guilty. As I had done so many times before, I kept it to myself and never said a word about it.

That was probably one of the best birthday celebrations I had in my life to that point and the next day brought many revelations as I remember reflecting on the nights events and distinctly remember thinking about the birthday romp during the party and how perhaps it would have been really great had it been Jim. Yep, I thought it, Jim. I tried to imagine what it would have been like had he dragged me into the room for a quickie and before I knew it, I was getting hard thinking about it. I found myself thinking less about sex with Jody and more time fantasizing about sex with Jim. I felt such shame and guilt and didn’t know how to process these emotions that I just began to withdraw from everyone, including Jody. I had to make another appointment with the therapist.

It was the week after my 19th birthday and Jody’s birthday was approaching, we were both Leo’s which led people to assume that was the reason we were such a popular couple, we were the King and Queen of the Jungle, a match made in the heavens. That was far from the truth and soon, everyone would know it and many would be caught in the crossfire. I planned Jody a party in reciprocation to my big bash that was to be a surprise party that she had no idea was in the planning. All the usual suspects were helping me to bring everyone together to celebrate her turning 18.

On the night of the party I wondered if this night would go as well as we all had wanted it to go but I kept a positive attitude about things and I tried my hardest to let go of the issues that had been plaguing me over the past few months. I really wanted Jody to have as good of a time at her party as I had at mine. She had not been feeling well the day before and did not know whether she was working too much and worried about me or if she was coming down with something. If she was not feeling well that night, she did good to keep it to herself.

The party was underway and everyone showed for a second party in as little as two weeks and it seemed as if the night was going to go off without a hitch. Then, out from the room with a friend of hers Jody comes to me and asks to speak to me in private. It was very difficult to read her at that point but I knew that something was going on because she had a look of uncertainty on her face that was perplexing and startling at the same time. Once in the room, she sat me down on the bed and had a difficult time looking in my eyes. She was nervous and her palms, sweaty. She finally looked me in the eyes and said, “I’m pregnant”. Suddenly I drew the biggest blank and couldn’t get any words out. I remember what was going through my head, but could never get any words out of my mouth.

“OH SHIT” I thought as my hands clenched her hands tightly, “Now what??” Finally after what seemed like days I managed to crack a smile and said, “wow….a baby? when? how?” DUH!! Boy wasn’t I a genius with words. ”I’m sure it was last month sometime because I started feeling sick and haven’t had my period yet so I went and got checked.” There it was, all out in the open and I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. All I knew was that my life was about to change in a direction that I totally didn’t see. But that wasn’t all, after all of the therapy that I had already gone through and with his guidance had been building toward a different direction and it all seems to have been climaxing at that very moment. Without any thought I said, “I’ve been fantasizing about men and I’m pretty sure that I’m gay!”

Oh crap what had I just done? I can’t take it back but the worst part of it all was that the look on her face. She was crushed but at the same time, not completely surprised. There was such a long pause and all I could hear was the music coming from the party and as the seconds went by it seemed this moment would never end. Finally, a knock on the door and the silence was broken. It was her friend Rhea making sure everything was okay being that she was the one that Jody confided in about the pregnancy first. She gave me one last glance, got up and walked out the door back to the party.

I was defeated with remorse and started to realize that the dream that had jolted me awake a few weeks earlier was unfolding in real life. A premonition, a glimpse of things to come? I would have to say yes. The party, the dance floor of only men representing the growing feelings I was having for the same sex, the women disappearing representing the dying of my heterosexuality and me spinning on the dance floor showing me that I was spiraling out of control. At last, there it was, all out in the open leaving me weak and vulnerable. I didn’t have the strength to go out and face everyone about what had just happened. As it turned out, Jody never said a word to anyone about what had happened and everyone continued to party as they had been and Jody so eloquently kept a smile on her face for the rest of the evening.

After that night little was mentioned but Rhea as well as Jim knew everything that was going on in our lives and in the weeks following Jody and I found ourselves drifting further apart and having less to say to each other. I was now a ghost of what I once was and had to figure out what my next move was to make it better for everyone involved. During this time Jim and I spent quite a bit of time together, as friends. We thought it was best that we never crossed that line out of respect for Jody but the temptation was always there.

It would be October of that year that things started to take a dramatic turn, my mental health was deteriorating and depression was settling in as pieces of my memory slowly made their return and started to fill in the gaps in my life that were left by the accident. It was torture mainly because I had no idea h ow to process these memories and as time went by the headaches came furiously and at times, I would lose conciousness from the pain. It was near the one year anniversary of the car accident that everything would start to change significantly.

Sparks

Since my arrival in California I had spent most of my time learning about my new surroundings and looking for work. I had not yet finished my cosmetology certification that I had begun prior to the accident so looking for work was somewhat of a challenge. There wasn’t much of a hurry to find a job since the military was providing for much of our living expenses as we settled into our new home. Mel wasn’t around too much as she spent most of her time on base and the little time that she had off, she spent with her “buddies” visiting local bars as well as those in the surrounding cities.

Mel’s drinking seemed to have increased after our arrival in California but I was never certain whether it was because she had a problem with drinking or if thats just the way life was in the military. All of her friends drank like fish and it didn’t seem to matter what day of the week it was, Mel would come home smashed off her ass. Life seemed to have been a 24/7 party and she was loving it. I did join her and her friends on some occasions to enjoy the nightlife and sometimes would go across the border into Tijuana to party but my tolerance for alcohol at the time was much lower than hers.

Reluctantly, after several visits with her to gay bars in and around the community I was convinced that Mel was a lesbian and that it was not going to change. I knew that it was only a matter of time before our friendship would start to suffer and drift apart. I spent much of my time after that looking for work and making sure that should something happen to our relationship that I could make it on my own. Not an easy task in a place that is far from a major city with no car and no friends or family.

In March of that year I was hired at the local Taco Bell just off the Base in Fallbrook, it was to the point that I could just feel things changing and had to take what I could get. Soon after, Mel approached me at work to tell me that she had been seeing a woman that she really liked and that she would be moving in with her across the base in Oceanside. She told me that the rent was paid until the end of the lease which gave me a little over a 3 months to find a place to live. I felt like I had been punched in the gut and it was somewhat devastating to me at the time but I can’t say that I didn’t see it coming. After that, I found myself somewhat bitter towards her but at the same time I knew in my head that this was a possibility.

The next month flew by and I found myself becoming more and more irritated about the situation and started to get headaches on a regular basis. My stresses were high as one could imagine in the situation that I was in but I kept moving forward until I found a solution to my problem. During my time at “the bell” I was able to work my way into management in hopes that I could make enough money to keep the apartment for a while longer until I found more permanent living arrangements. It was soon after that I hired a girl, Jody, that would eventually become my first memory of a heterosexual relationship and by May would ask me to move in with her, her twin sister and her aunt.

Jody and I fell crazy in love and felt as if we had known one another forever. We did everything together and were probably the most popular couple of all of our friends and I do have to admit, we were quite a team. She was the picture of perfection. Blonde hair, blue eyes, big bright smile. Nothing close to the image of her trailer trash aunt and I always joked with her that she and her sister must have been adopted by another family. We had fun and there was never a shortage of laughter and good times.

Jody had no communication with her parents, molested by her father and abandoned by her mother she and her sister were awarded by the state to her aunt. Her aunt Lynn was somewhat of an odd character, tall and lanky, bad hair and was always….”on”. Looking back on things I could probably conclude that she had some mental issues to include ADHD and possibly, schizophrenia. But I couldn’t judge her as she was providing a roof over my head and allowing me to sleep in the same room as her niece. I had become in some sorts, the man of the house and took on several of the household responsibilities from yard work to running errands to helping pay the bills.

The weeks went by and I was finally living a life that felt somewhat normal but I found myself trying to shake off the headaches that began back in April but they grew more intense so I made an appointment with a doctor on base since I was covered by military health insurance. They examined me and told me it was nothing more than stress, gave me an anti-anxiety prescription and told me to take some aspirin for my headaches. Still, I could not help but feel that it was something more but I just shook it off and continued on.

We had a good group of friends Jody and I, we hung out at the beach, went to the movies and had several gatherings at the house. It was always a good time and there were always several people there and many times, people we didn’t know. There was however, one person in particular that stood out, Jim. Jim was a tall, blonde haired, buffed and blue-eyed ( a California thing I guess) surfer guy that usually was the life of the party and was always single. The one thing I can say about Jim is that he embraced everyone. It didn’t matter if you were the nerd, the ugly, the jock, the stoner or the overall asshole, he never excluded or alienated anyone.

Jim was the first of all of Jody’s friends to befriend me. He had really made an effort to include me in their circle and almost seemed to have taken me under his wing. He knew about my situation and how I had gotten to California and then ended up at Jody’s home. In fact he knew it well as I had found out later on that he had, by some twist of fate, chatted with Mel one night while at a bar in Escondido, a gay bar. Yes it turned out that Jim was gay but was not completely open about it to all of our friends but for some odd reason at that time, I felt such a connection with him.

We hung out more often and before I knew it we became the very best of friends. He began to invite me out with him whether it was to the beach, the movies or just to hangout at the mall. But things started to change one night when he invited me to go with him to that gay bar in Escondido that he had talked with Mel. I accepted the invitation and we were off to have a few drinks and chat. Sitting at the bar chatting with Jim I found myself feeling a little more comfortable being in a gay bar without Mel. I had the same comfort level with him that Mel and I shared. A sense of security I guess but non the less, a place of belonging. The longer I sat, the more familiar things seemed to be and then out of nowhere a headache hits. This time it was a sharp pain that ran from the back of my head straight into my eyes and I just remember closing my eyes and seeing a flash of light and almost feeling a sense of deja vu.

I thought that I might pass out and Jim asked if the headaches were back and if I wanted to go home. I was actually having a good time and didn’t want to but I was very disturbed at the feeling I was having from the headache and thought that it might be a good idea to go home so Jim drove me back to the house. When I arrived at home Jody was waiting up for me and when I walked in the door could see that my headache had come back. “Did something happen” she asked Jim. ”No, we were just sitting at the bar talking and it just hit him” he told Jody. After that Jim left, she got me some aspirin and water and we went to bed.

Somewhere in the middle of the night I was dreaming of bright lights all around me and could hear music and I was dancing. I remember seeing different people standing around me as I moved to the music. I could smell a mix of cologne from the men that were dancing around me as well as cigarette smoke from the other club goers and I couldn’t help but notice that there were no women on the dance floor. All of the women were standing around the dance floor and none of them looked like they were having any fun. I continued to dance and could feel my self spinning as I took in all of the music and the bass starts pounding harder and harder, so hard I could feel it thump throughout my entire body. I spin faster and faster and everything around me starts to blur and the women around the dance floor start to disappear one by one and the dance floor continues to thrive and grow with more men and the smells growing stronger and the lights brighter with every beat of the music until finally everything goes black and I am startled awake.

I woke up drenched and my heart pounding so hard and fast as if I had just finished a 100 meter sprint. I was so jolted awake that I woke Jody. She too was startled after seeing my face and that I was drenched in sweat and trying to catch my breath. “What were you dreaming about” she asked. I didn’t answer her because I really couldn’t remember much only that I was on the dance floor dancing my ass off and I only wanted to catch my breath get some water and go back to sleep. It wasn’t until the days that followed that I would start to remember the details of my dream.