An Earth Shaking Revalation

In September of 89′, nearly a month after my “coming out” party, little by little Jody and I started to talk less and less. Partly from the hurt that I was sure she was feeling and partly because I didn’t know what to say to her. She had asked me if I had wanted to separate and of course I was still in love with her but at the same time, was having strong sexual feelings for men and without a doubt, I knew that it wasn’t fair to her. I needed to make a decision but didn’t know where I would go or what I would do. I had very little option and going home to Texas just didn’t seem like a good one.

One day after coming home from work and settling in for the day, Jody asked if we could talk. Dreading the “talk” I had no choice at that point but to say yes. She started talking about the day we met and how she knew that this relationship was special. She knew that it would change her life forever but didn’t understand in what way until now. ”I have no regrets about us or anything that we have done or where things are now” she said. Tears started to form in her eyes as she continued, “I knew that at some point I was going to have to let you go and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it but I see how much you are suffering without having to make these kinds of decisions.” I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach and it was gut wrenching to have to watch her drag these words out into the open. ”I prayed that we could find a solution to this and I’ve cried every day since my birthday.”

I felt guilty enough about it already, but I owed it to her to sit, listen and swallow it no matter how bitter the taste. ”When I was showering the other day I noticed that I was bleeding from down there” she said. ”I got scared and aunt Lynn took me to the doctor for a check up.” I know that by that time my own blood had completely gone from my head because I was getting dizzy and nauseated but I held it together. ”I lost the baby” she blurted out as tears rolled down her cheeks. I had never felt so defeated as I did at that point. What had I done to this poor girl. Look at the pain and suffering that I had brought on with all of my issues. I felt responsible for not just ruining her life, but I was also guilty of the loss of life, my son. ”It was a boy” she said and then she started to cry harder.

I pulled her close to me and put my arms around her and said, “I’m so sorry…I’m sorry about everything, about ruining your life, about making a fool out of you to everyone.” Jody was so unconditionally gracious and proved at that point why I fell in love with her and once she started to settle and the tears slowed turned to me and said, “This isn’t your fault, everything happens for a reason and when I prayed for an answer, God was listening.” Jody had a strong faith in God and understandably so having been molested and abandoned by her parents. ”I asked him what to do and this was his answer and I have to accept it” she said. “This was the only way that I can find the way to let you go so that you can take care of yourself without having to worry about anything else.” I had no choice at that point but to accept things the way they had happened and to move on. We said our goodbyes to each other, I packed my things and the next day showed up at Mel’s doorstep and told her that I needed her help.

Mel didn’t really have a choice but to open her door to me once she found out all that was going on. I’m sure that she felt in someway that she was partly responsible for my being catapulted into a situation that was bound to end up in chaos. She was as gracious as she could be and her girlfriend, tolerant at best. It was just until I could figure out what my next step was going to be and in the meantime I could get my head together and continue with my mental rehab. During this time Jim had made regular trips from Fallbrook to Oceanside to see me as well as cart me back and forth to my appointments. He had more of a presence after my break up and I’m sure was much more comfortable that he didn’t have to really hide his feelings or who he was.

In October, nearing the one year anniversary of my near fatal accident, Jim came to me to tell me that he could no longer live his closeted life in Fallbrook and decided that it was time for him to move on and said that San Francisco would be the perfect place for him to be who he knew he was and wanted to be. ”I want you to come with me” he said. ”I think this would be the perfect place for you to get your life back together and I will be there for you.” I really didn’t know what to think at this point being that I had just lost quite a bit in this last relationship. ”I won’t put any pressure on you I just want to be with you and make sure you are okay.” Jim had that special way of making you believe that everything was going to be okay and it usually was. I was beginning to be very comfortable with the idea and the thought of getting away from everything here and start fresh once again. ”Okay, lets go” I said to him. ”Let’s get the hell out of here!”

We had planned our drive to San Francisco to arrive around Monday October 16th and began to make arrangements to stay with some friends of Jim that had moved there for college after graduating from high school. We were both very excited and understandably a bit nervous of not knowing exactly what was ahead. Excitement and nervousness, however, were not the only feelings I was having. Settling in were the feelings and perhaps, doubt, that maybe this wasn’t the right move. Something in my head was nagging at me leading me to question whether or not this might be the best solution. I ignored them though and pushed forward with our plans.

In the mean time Mel had been questioning whether or not I should return home to be with my family and that perhaps my therapy would be much more effective being surrounded by family and friends. I thought maybe she was a bit jealous and was trying to sway me so that she would no longer have to bear any of the guilt from the past or possibly the future. She at times insisted that I should go home but she was not the most likely person that I would listen to for advice considering everything that had happened when I arrived in California.

A few days later I received a phone call from my mother in Texas. We had always had a very strong connection and having a mothers intuition, she knew exactly when I was going through a difficult time and up until now, I had avoided her phone calls or any contact with her or my family. This time, that feeling was tugging at me and I had to take the phone call. ”How are you doing Robert?” she said. ”Mel called me a couple of days ago and told me what was going on and that you are planning to move to San Francisco.” I wanted to KILL Mel for calling my parents and informing them of all of my plans. I was furious and could not believe that she would betray me knowing that my mother and I had such a strong bond. ” I don’t think its a good idea and we really want you to come home.” She went on to tell me that she had already gone to the airport to purchase my ticket to come home and that all I had to do was get to the airport.

What was I going to do? I had already made plans to go with Jim and he would be crushed. I had become so comfortable with him and in my mind I was ready to go. I could not imagine at this point not having him in my life since he has always been there for me and he knew everything there was to know about me, but still, my mother was asking me to come home and I had a hard time resisting. I told her that I would think about it and let her know and I hung up the phone. Afterward, Mel and I had it out and argued for a good hour about her betrayal but she insisted time and time again that she was just doing what she thought would be best for me and finally, I gave up for the sake of argument and left the apartment to clear my head.

On the evening of October 10th, the one year mark of the accident Jim and I met to talk about our plans. He said that he had wanted to sit down with me to make sure that what we were doing was what I wanted to do. ”I know that you are going through some stuff and I told you I always wanted to be there for you” he paused, “but I don’t want to take you away from your family when you are starting to remember things about them.” I started to see in Jim’s eyes that he had more to say than just that. ”I’m afraid that we are going to get to San Francisco and you are going to start to remember everything and will want to leave and go back to Texas to be with your family and I don’t know that I could handle that.” He started to cry and I knew that he had not completely said what he came to say. ”I would rather let you go now before we have made a life together than for both of us to be completely crushed later down the road and make it harder for you to go home at a time that you need it the most.” Unfortunately, the crush came much sooner, I was devastated but I wasn’t going to beg or plead for him to reconsider. I simply kept in mind what Jody had said to me days before, “Everything happens for a reason.”

On Sunday October 15th, Jim came to say goodbye to me at Mel’s apartment. After sitting with him for about an hour he got up and said, “It’s time for me to go.” The time had finally come and it seemed as if this huge chapter in my life was coming to a close and that I was losing a piece of myself. ”I’m not sure that I can let you go” I said. ”But I know that I can’t go with you but you know where I will be.” He looked at me, cupped his hands around my face and said, ” I will always be with you, I love you.” The tears came fast and furious down my cheeks and he wiped them off of each side of my face with his thumbs. ”You’ll only have to call me and I’ll be there” and then he kissed me. I couldn’t help but to weep and wondered if this would be the last time that I would ever see him. He got into his car, pulled out of the driveway, stuck his hand out the window and waved, and just like that, he was gone.

The next morning, Mel drove me to the airport and by that afternoon I was on my way back to Texas. By evening I was back home and had decided that I would stay with my sister instead of at my mother’s house as she was busy raising my 2 younger siblings and thought it would be less distracting if I had a bit more peace and quiet. The following day I made arrangements to go see a therapist that my mother had been referred to for me. I was a bit nervous having to meet this new doctor and try to catch him up on everything that had happened over the past year. It was going to be a long process but the only thing I could think of was, “did I make the right decision?” I spent most of that day having to re-live the accounts of the past year as I was forced to get them out and begin to deal with them and of course, thinking of Jim.

On the morning of October 18th, I went to visit my mother. I wanted to catch up with everything that had been going on while I was away and of course wanted to fill her in on everything that had gotten me to this point. That was cut short however because when I walked into the house, she was sitting at the table, in tears. She seemed to avoid telling me why she was so upset and I had figured maybe that she and dad had gotten into an argument as at that time in life dad had his own demons that he was dealing with. ”Did you and dad have a fight?” I asked. ”No” she replied. I pushed further as she folded the newspaper that she had been reading and turned it upside down on the table. ”Whats wrong then, why are you crying?” She fumbled with the paper a bit more and by this time she said, “I don’t want you to get upset” and finally, handed me the newspaper. As I turned the paper over and read the front page headline, my heart completely stopped.

On the evening of October 17th, 1989 San Francisco had suffered a major earthquake leveling freeways, buildings and leaving behind a trail of devastation to the city. My first thought was of Jim and whether or not he was okay but at that time cell phones were very new and only the rich could afford one, there was no internet or “Windows’ so the only way to communicate was through a land line telephone or snail mail so there was nothing I could do but wait for him to call me to tell me that he was fine.

The other thought in my mind was that I realized I would have been there and perhaps dead, had Jim not made the decision for me to come home, had Mel not interfered with my plans, had my mother not been so insistent on my coming home and had I not heard the words that Jody had said when she told me that she had mis-carried, “Everything happens for a reason.”