The Aftermath

It had been one week since the quake in San Francisco and every night after that was very difficult. Sweaty and shaking, I was awakened constantly by night terrors about the quake and I wasn’t getting much sleep because of them. I still had not heard from Jim and I couldn’t help but to wonder if that maybe had I begged and pleaded for him not to go, perhaps we would still be in Oceanside safe and sound. I was filled with so much grief and guilt that it may have been my actions that had created so much chaos in so many lives. My days were filled with anxiety and I found myself nervous and pacing all the time. My legs would tremor when I sat and I could do nothing to control it. I was having one panic attack after another and each worse than the one before.

By that time, I was only seeing my therapist once a week and when he found out that I had been having so many anxiety issues and not sleeping, he suggested that I see him at least 3 times a week and then alerted my psychiatrist who then prescribed something that would help me sleep. That night after picking up my medications I went home, had dinner, took a pill and settled down for the night. Within 30 minutes, everything began to blur and before I knew it, I was out.

Somewhere in the middle of the night I abruptly woke to someone with their hands tightly clenched around my neck. I was kicking and trying to catch my breath but I was having such a hard time with the weight of what seemed to be a man on top of me and then slowly, it becomes harder to breathe. I began to kick harder and started swinging my hands trying to get him to loosen his grip and finally I open my eyes, take a deep breath and I start screaming. Trying hard to catch my breath I continue to swing my hands but there’s no one there, I’m completely alone. I had probably the worst night terror yet, so real that it was hard to believe that it wasn’t actually happening.

That night was so disturbing that I had to see my therapist right away to find out whether or not this was a normal side effect of the medication that I had been prescribed. I was visibly shaken and he could see very well that my mind was either going to shut down or that I was going to snap. ”I think that you need to consider checking yourself into the hospital” he said, because he feared that I would do harm to myself but I managed to convince him that I was okay. There was no way that I was going into a hospital after hearing stories of how they treated people with mental disorders so I did my best to pull it together to avoid being involuntarily committed.

For the next few days I did all that I could to keep myself together but it wasn’t an easy task especially around family. Usually I just tried to read a book or would sit and watch TV when I could. My sister Deena, who I was staying with was working quite a bit and when she wasn’t working was spending time with friends. From time to time I would take walks around the apartment complex where we lived, but I was usually so anxious and paranoid that I just didn’t want to be out or away from the apartment for too long. I tried to isolate myself from my friends and family to avoid any triggers of more memories that would knock me down every time I was around something familiar. My mind just didn’t know how to process all of this information and every once in a while, flashbacks came in the form of nightmares similar to the man choking me while I slept.

All I knew was that I had to hold on until my therapist and doctor could finally find a way to get me out of the spokes of this spinning tire I was trapped in. Looking back to that time I felt as if I were watching a movie that was stopped and restarted randomly not having a clarity on where the story was at the time. The memories had no schedule of their arrival nor did they wait until I was ready, it was like a baby ready to be born.

On Halloween night, Deena decided that she was going to go to a party with some friends. She had asked if I wanted to come with her but I just didn’t feel like socializing. Unfortunately my condition had started to affect me socially and I just couldn’t handle being around people without feeling total anxiety. I just wanted to be alone and her social calender on that night allowed me that wish. She headed out the door somewhere around 9pm and as she was leaving, I told her to be safe and then she asked, “are you sure you don’t want to go?” Part of me thought it might be good to let go for a while but I said, “no that’s okay, I’m just gonna stay here and relax.” She walked out the door and I closed the door behind her.

To complete shock and dismay I awoke with my head in my mothers lap at her house. Dazed, I looked around trying to understand how I had gotten there, I began to panic. “It’s okay, lay still” my mother said. ”You’re home.” She was rubbing the back of my head and I remember how good it felt. It was like I was a kid again and she was trying to put me to sleep by rubbing my head. I started crying, “what happened? How did I get here? What am I doing here?” Mom was visibly shaken that I didn’t have any idea of what had happened and she herself started to tear up.

“Deena said she came home and couldn’t open the door all the way. You were passed out and were blocking the way so she couldn’t get in.” I was completely oblivious, I couldn’t remember what had happened, “What time is it?” I asked. ”its 8:45″ mom said. ”At night?” I asked. I was so disoriented and feared that I had either lost more of my memory or had done something horrible to myself. ”No its 8:45 in the morning” she said. ”I went to go pick you up and you walked yourself to the car and then inside the house when we got here, don’t you remember any of it?” I couldn’t remember a thing, no dreams, no sounds, no flashes absolutely nothing.

I had taken all I could take and after realizing that I had lost nearly 12 hours and could not recall anything after closing the door behind my sister, I finally gave in. I got up from the sofa and told my mother to take me to the hospital. The fear of not knowing where I was, where I had gone, what I may have done to myself or someone else during my blackout was too great. I could no longer put myself or my family, mainly my mother, through all of this pain and uncertainty. I had to fix what had been broken over a year ago, I had to fix me.

Mom called my doctor and told him that we would meet him at the hospital and fortunately he was already there. When we drove up to the front doors, some of the staff were already waiting and walked outside to greet us. Two men, fairly large and dressed in plain clothes with name tags approached and I remember feeling terribly scared that they would put me in a straight jacket. Behind them walked out my doctor, dressed in a black double breasted suit, a very colorful tie and black leather boots. He was a short man around 5′ 5″, thin with dark hair, almost a mullet but usually had it slicked back. He actually looked like he could have been in the mafia but had a very warm disposition, a very trusting man.

He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “how are you doin? You okay with this?” At that point I was beginning to doubt it, but knew that I either go through with this and find out or I continue going down the destructive path I was already on. ”I’m good” I said. The two men in plain clothes escorted me and my mother through the doors. Just beyond those doors was another door of metal and plate glass in which we had to buzzed in. Once through that door we were greeted by a nurse and led to an office where I sat down and was given a quick evaluation. As the nurse was taking my vitals, she looks at my mother and says, “don’t worry, he’ll be fine here.” I looked at my mother, saw the tears swelling in her eyes as she looks over at me and it nearly killed me that she was hurting so much for me, ”I’ll be alright”, I told her, “it’s what I need to do.”

Once the nurse was done with her evaluation it was time for me to go to my room. Visitors and family were not allowed in the ward or in the rooms with the patients on their first day or their first week after checking in. So right there and then, I said goodbye to my mother and it felt as if it would be for the last time. I broke down in tears as I started to walk away, my mother, trying hard to hold back her own, finally broke and all I could do to keep from completely breaking down was to keep walking down the hall until finally I walked through a set of double doors and could no longer see her anymore. Once again, I was alone.