In the days following the dream of dancing, music, lights and disappearing women, the details of that night had become more vivid and a feeling in my gut was telling me that something was looming. All the while, Jody and Jim stood by my side and tried to help me make sense of it all. I was very open with both of them of my past and of the history that was my own before the accident in 88′. We had all decided that maybe it was best that I saw a therapist to help me deal with the anxiety as well as the events of my past. At first, Jody and I went to therapy together and then little by little it was suggested to me by my therapist that I start seeing him on my own so that I didn’t feel that I had to restrain any feelings from my past.
A month of therapy later and with my birthday approaching I found myself becoming more isolated with my feelings and usually tense and it did not go without notice. Jody had felt that everything was weighing very heavy on my mind and to make light of things, decided to throw me a birthday party. I thought it was a good idea and was looking forward to letting go for a while and spending some quality time with friends. She invited everyone that worked with us at the Bell as well as all of our friends and what family she had nearby and of course, Jim.
It was a crowded house that night and the party was in full swing. The bass of the music was loud, the DJ lights were bright and almost blinding and everyone was dancing, carrying on and having a great time but I just couldn’t bring myself to let go of that feeling, that feeling that something just wasn’t right. Everything was getting to me and I needed some fresh air so I told Jody that I was going outside for a few minutes. ”Do you want me to come?” she said. ”No that’s okay”, I said. ”I just need a minute”. A few minutes after I went outside, Jim comes out the door and walks up to me and asks, “you doing okay”? ”No” I replied. ”I can’t get my head together and feel like i’m about to break”. Tears started to form in my eyes and I felt so alone and so far away from anything familiar and then the tears rolled down my cheeks. Jim raised his right finger to my face, wiped the tears off of my right cheek, cupped his hands on my face, looked into my eyes then pulled in and kissed me on the lips. I was frozen.
As Jim was kissing me, it felt as if he knew everything that was going on inside my head. It was as if he knew that his kiss would wipe away all of the hurt and would bring understanding to all of the noise that was in my head and at that very moment just before he took his lips off of mine, I had yet again, this deja vu feeling. I had done this before, somewhere, with someone else. The familiarity of being kissed by a man came rushing in as if it had just happened and it was then that I put everything together. The memories that I had lost in the accident were beginning to return and there was little that I could do other than to try and put them into perspective. I was shattered because up to that point all I felt was that I was meant to be with Jody, meant to be with a woman.
I quickly pulled away from Jim, “damn Robb I’m really sorry” he said. ”I just didn’t know what else to do and I have been wanting to do that since the day we met but Jody is one of my best friends and I knew that it would be wrong”. ”Then why now?” I asked. ”Because I knew that if I didn’t do it now then I might never get the chance again” he said. It still had not hit me that he had been interested in me for so long but I was so lost in my own world that I wasn’t paying attention to anything or anyone else around me. ”Please don’t tell Jody” he pleaded. I promised him that I wouldn’t and said, “I can’t even make sense of what I’m feeling right now but I do know that I want you to be around”. Jim said that he would always be around and that I didn’t have to worry about that.
After we finished talking we went back inside to try and enjoy what was left of the evening. I was certain that people would read right through us but as we walked in the house no one even seemed to notice that we were missing. Jody was busy with all our friends and had even become a little drunk. At one point during the evening she was feeling a bit playful and led me to the bedroom for a quickie. I was very hesitant because I didn’t want everyone to notice that we were missing but I gave in and before I knew it I was trapped in the bedroom. During the short time we were scratching her itch, I couldn’t help that something had changed or rather, didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel the same thrill that I had felt before while making love or having sex with Jody, it left me feeling kind of empty and almost guilty. As I had done so many times before, I kept it to myself and never said a word about it.
That was probably one of the best birthday celebrations I had in my life to that point and the next day brought many revelations as I remember reflecting on the nights events and distinctly remember thinking about the birthday romp during the party and how perhaps it would have been really great had it been Jim. Yep, I thought it, Jim. I tried to imagine what it would have been like had he dragged me into the room for a quickie and before I knew it, I was getting hard thinking about it. I found myself thinking less about sex with Jody and more time fantasizing about sex with Jim. I felt such shame and guilt and didn’t know how to process these emotions that I just began to withdraw from everyone, including Jody. I had to make another appointment with the therapist.
It was the week after my 19th birthday and Jody’s birthday was approaching, we were both Leo’s which led people to assume that was the reason we were such a popular couple, we were the King and Queen of the Jungle, a match made in the heavens. That was far from the truth and soon, everyone would know it and many would be caught in the crossfire. I planned Jody a party in reciprocation to my big bash that was to be a surprise party that she had no idea was in the planning. All the usual suspects were helping me to bring everyone together to celebrate her turning 18.
On the night of the party I wondered if this night would go as well as we all had wanted it to go but I kept a positive attitude about things and I tried my hardest to let go of the issues that had been plaguing me over the past few months. I really wanted Jody to have as good of a time at her party as I had at mine. She had not been feeling well the day before and did not know whether she was working too much and worried about me or if she was coming down with something. If she was not feeling well that night, she did good to keep it to herself.
The party was underway and everyone showed for a second party in as little as two weeks and it seemed as if the night was going to go off without a hitch. Then, out from the room with a friend of hers Jody comes to me and asks to speak to me in private. It was very difficult to read her at that point but I knew that something was going on because she had a look of uncertainty on her face that was perplexing and startling at the same time. Once in the room, she sat me down on the bed and had a difficult time looking in my eyes. She was nervous and her palms, sweaty. She finally looked me in the eyes and said, “I’m pregnant”. Suddenly I drew the biggest blank and couldn’t get any words out. I remember what was going through my head, but could never get any words out of my mouth.
“OH SHIT” I thought as my hands clenched her hands tightly, “Now what??” Finally after what seemed like days I managed to crack a smile and said, “wow….a baby? when? how?” DUH!! Boy wasn’t I a genius with words. ”I’m sure it was last month sometime because I started feeling sick and haven’t had my period yet so I went and got checked.” There it was, all out in the open and I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. All I knew was that my life was about to change in a direction that I totally didn’t see. But that wasn’t all, after all of the therapy that I had already gone through and with his guidance had been building toward a different direction and it all seems to have been climaxing at that very moment. Without any thought I said, “I’ve been fantasizing about men and I’m pretty sure that I’m gay!”
Oh crap what had I just done? I can’t take it back but the worst part of it all was that the look on her face. She was crushed but at the same time, not completely surprised. There was such a long pause and all I could hear was the music coming from the party and as the seconds went by it seemed this moment would never end. Finally, a knock on the door and the silence was broken. It was her friend Rhea making sure everything was okay being that she was the one that Jody confided in about the pregnancy first. She gave me one last glance, got up and walked out the door back to the party.
I was defeated with remorse and started to realize that the dream that had jolted me awake a few weeks earlier was unfolding in real life. A premonition, a glimpse of things to come? I would have to say yes. The party, the dance floor of only men representing the growing feelings I was having for the same sex, the women disappearing representing the dying of my heterosexuality and me spinning on the dance floor showing me that I was spiraling out of control. At last, there it was, all out in the open leaving me weak and vulnerable. I didn’t have the strength to go out and face everyone about what had just happened. As it turned out, Jody never said a word to anyone about what had happened and everyone continued to party as they had been and Jody so eloquently kept a smile on her face for the rest of the evening.
After that night little was mentioned but Rhea as well as Jim knew everything that was going on in our lives and in the weeks following Jody and I found ourselves drifting further apart and having less to say to each other. I was now a ghost of what I once was and had to figure out what my next move was to make it better for everyone involved. During this time Jim and I spent quite a bit of time together, as friends. We thought it was best that we never crossed that line out of respect for Jody but the temptation was always there.
It would be October of that year that things started to take a dramatic turn, my mental health was deteriorating and depression was settling in as pieces of my memory slowly made their return and started to fill in the gaps in my life that were left by the accident. It was torture mainly because I had no idea h ow to process these memories and as time went by the headaches came furiously and at times, I would lose conciousness from the pain. It was near the one year anniversary of the car accident that everything would start to change significantly.
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