I used to think that we were left to live our lives alone. After all we did come into this world alone and when we die, usually we go alone. I spent the better part of my post adolesence searching for the answer to the questions...."What is the reason we are here and how do we get there"? For years I struggled to complete journeys that I had started in search of a better quality of life only to find obstruction and dismay. Never able to complete these journeys, I began to look at my past in hopes of finding the clues that would take me further in my quest.
Many times in life you hear that the answers to living are all in the bible. But what if you dont really believe in a book that was written by man? What if there is more to it than just "walking in the footsteps of Christ"? Does Christ even exist? So many questions run through your mind that you try so hard to answer and understand that eventually you lose track of what it was that you were looking for in the first place.
Okay focus...What are we doing here and how do we get there?? Well I'm still not completely sure what we are doing here but think I may have found a transport to get there. No I didn't find a time machine or any kind of stargate but rather.....a ripple. I know you're probably thinking that I have lost my mind but bear with me for a while and I'll try to make this as easy as possible for you to understand. But to do that, I have to go back in time.(no, I already told you its not a time machine)
It was nearly 3 am, October 11, 1988 and I was driving friends home from a night of partying, I was the designated driver. There were 4 of us and I had just finished dropping off the last of the drunkards at their house and was on my way back to the hotel. It had been a long day as I had driven in from Houston where I was living at the time and had to work a full day before even coming to San Antonio so I was exhausted. I had been going for just about 24 hours with no sleep and I could barely keep my eyes open.
The last thing I remember from the drive that night was making a turn onto the main roadway that took me back to the hotel, after that........I had fallen asleep at the wheel. Now keep in mind that I was 18 at the time and my world revolved around mostly material stuff as well as looks!(weren't we stupid at 18?) When I opened my eyes it was pitch black not a speck of light coming from anywhere and the smell of hot radiator fluid and motor oil steaming out of the engine block. The only sounds were the settling of the engine as it cooled and the crickets that were around the area. I had no idea where I was or how this could have happened.
As I am looking around trying to focus my sight I can feel the warmth of my blood on my face and the thought starts to settle in my head.....I've crashed. I struggle to take off my seat belt and break free from the wreckage and I realize that my legs have been pinned by the dashboard and steering column that were pushed forward by the engine upon impact. My eyes begin to adjust to the darkness and I begin to see that the windshield is smashed and that there is something dangling from the imprint that my head left in the glass.....a patch of hair from the front of my head.
I remember being so pissed off about that as I reached up to grab it. "My hair!!" I screamed. I know you are either rolling your eyes or just laughing hysterically by this point but come on! I was gay, 18 AND a hairstylist! After I had the hair in my hand I fell back into my seat and just sat quietly. I never once screamed out for help or even thought about how I would get out of the car. I remember that it was becoming easier to see things and that maybe that there was light somewhere. Regardless, I was so content just being where I was. I wasn't concerned, I wasn't scared and I didn't feel burdened about life..... as If I was weightless.
At this point things around me are much more visible. The baron trees of fall, the evergreen trees and shrubs and I even hear moving water in the distance. The sounds and smells begin to be so pleaseant and all I want is to get out of the car and enjoy all the nature that is surrounding me. Again I move forward and try to release myself from the wreckage and so effortlessly, I break free. My legs are freed from the twisted and crumpled metal and I begin to take in all of the beauty that is everywhere and I explore.
As I'm walking around the wreckage and engaging everything around me I begin to remember all of the wonderful times of my childhood and of my life. All of a sudden, I am so aware of all of the wonderful and joyous times in my life. I remember old friends in school, friends that I had not seen in years. I remember specific events from my past so vividly that I could feel laughter from so deep inside of me, I began to smile. I felt as if I was walking on air. It was as if I was actually living in those special moments in my life, I was living in my memories.
As one memory after another flooded my head I realized that the happier I felt the brighter everything seemed to be around me. I was no longer concerned with the accident, my hair, my clothes, bills I just wanted to stay where I was at that very moment. As I continue in this blissful state of being , I'm looking around and there is such a clarity to everything. The intensity of the light that is surrounding me is not blinding but continues to grow and as it does, I look around to try and find the source of this light, but I cant'.....It's everywhere.
Finally, an image of my mother giving me a bath in the kitchen sink when I was just a baby, comes into my head and I remember having the biggest grin on my face. It was the warmest of feelings and memories of all the others that came before. It was so pure and natural and real. As If I had been transported there to re-live it. I giggled to myself as I was giggling the way I was while my mother was bathing me as a baby. It was then that the light in my own head turned on and everything came to a screeching halt. I look down and all I see is below is the wreckage of the car that once held me prisoner. The front end of the car was smashed into a huge oak tree, steam coming from the engine and me, sitting in the drivers seat of the car....my face covered in blood and my body.....lifeless.......I've died.
To be continued.........(Sorry! Happy Labor Day Weekend!)
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