Coming Out......Again

In the days following the dream of dancing, music, lights and disappearing women, the details of that night had become more vivid and a feeling in my gut was telling me that something was looming. All the while, Jody and Jim stood by my side and tried to help me make sense of it all. I was very open with both of them of my past and of the history that was my own before the accident in 88′. We had all decided that maybe it was best that I saw a therapist to help me deal with the anxiety as well as the events of my past. At first, Jody and I went to therapy together and then little by little it was suggested to me by my therapist that I start seeing him on my own so that I didn’t feel that I had to restrain any feelings from my past.

A month of therapy later and with my birthday approaching I found myself becoming more isolated with my feelings and usually tense and it did not go without notice. Jody had felt that everything was weighing very heavy on my mind and to make light of things, decided to throw me a birthday party. I thought it was a good idea and was looking forward to letting go for a while and spending some quality time with friends. She invited everyone that worked with us at the Bell as well as all of our friends and what family she had nearby and of course, Jim.

It was a crowded house that night and the party was in full swing. The bass of the music was loud, the DJ lights were bright and almost blinding and everyone was dancing, carrying on and having a great time but I just couldn’t bring myself to let go of that feeling, that feeling that something just wasn’t right. Everything was getting to me and I needed some fresh air so I told Jody that I was going outside for a few minutes. ”Do you want me to come?” she said. ”No that’s okay”, I said. ”I just need a minute”. A few minutes after I went outside, Jim comes out the door and walks up to me and asks, “you doing okay”? ”No” I replied. ”I can’t get my head together and feel like i’m about to break”. Tears started to form in my eyes and I felt so alone and so far away from anything familiar and then the tears rolled down my cheeks. Jim raised his right finger to my face, wiped the tears off of my right cheek, cupped his hands on my face, looked into my eyes then pulled in and kissed me on the lips. I was frozen.

As Jim was kissing me, it felt as if he knew everything that was going on inside my head. It was as if he knew that his kiss would wipe away all of the hurt and would bring understanding to all of the noise that was in my head and at that very moment just before he took his lips off of mine, I had yet again, this deja vu feeling. I had done this before, somewhere, with someone else. The familiarity of being kissed by a man came rushing in as if it had just happened and it was then that I put everything together. The memories that I had lost in the accident were beginning to return and there was little that I could do other than to try and put them into perspective. I was shattered because up to that point all I felt was that I was meant to be with Jody, meant to be with a woman.

I quickly pulled away from Jim, “damn Robb I’m really sorry” he said. ”I just didn’t know what else to do and I have been wanting to do that since the day we met but Jody is one of my best friends and I knew that it would be wrong”. ”Then why now?” I asked. ”Because I knew that if I didn’t do it now then I might never get the chance again” he said. It still had not hit me that he had been interested in me for so long but I was so lost in my own world that I wasn’t paying attention to anything or anyone else around me. ”Please don’t tell Jody” he pleaded. I promised him that I wouldn’t and said, “I can’t even make sense of what I’m feeling right now but I do know that I want you to be around”. Jim said that he would always be around and that I didn’t have to worry about that.

After we finished talking we went back inside to try and enjoy what was left of the evening. I was certain that people would read right through us but as we walked in the house no one even seemed to notice that we were missing. Jody was busy with all our friends and had even become a little drunk. At one point during the evening she was feeling a bit playful and led me to the bedroom for a quickie. I was very hesitant because I didn’t want everyone to notice that we were missing but I gave in and before I knew it I was trapped in the bedroom. During the short time we were scratching her itch, I couldn’t help that something had changed or rather, didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel the same thrill that I had felt before while making love or having sex with Jody, it left me feeling kind of empty and almost guilty. As I had done so many times before, I kept it to myself and never said a word about it.

That was probably one of the best birthday celebrations I had in my life to that point and the next day brought many revelations as I remember reflecting on the nights events and distinctly remember thinking about the birthday romp during the party and how perhaps it would have been really great had it been Jim. Yep, I thought it, Jim. I tried to imagine what it would have been like had he dragged me into the room for a quickie and before I knew it, I was getting hard thinking about it. I found myself thinking less about sex with Jody and more time fantasizing about sex with Jim. I felt such shame and guilt and didn’t know how to process these emotions that I just began to withdraw from everyone, including Jody. I had to make another appointment with the therapist.

It was the week after my 19th birthday and Jody’s birthday was approaching, we were both Leo’s which led people to assume that was the reason we were such a popular couple, we were the King and Queen of the Jungle, a match made in the heavens. That was far from the truth and soon, everyone would know it and many would be caught in the crossfire. I planned Jody a party in reciprocation to my big bash that was to be a surprise party that she had no idea was in the planning. All the usual suspects were helping me to bring everyone together to celebrate her turning 18.

On the night of the party I wondered if this night would go as well as we all had wanted it to go but I kept a positive attitude about things and I tried my hardest to let go of the issues that had been plaguing me over the past few months. I really wanted Jody to have as good of a time at her party as I had at mine. She had not been feeling well the day before and did not know whether she was working too much and worried about me or if she was coming down with something. If she was not feeling well that night, she did good to keep it to herself.

The party was underway and everyone showed for a second party in as little as two weeks and it seemed as if the night was going to go off without a hitch. Then, out from the room with a friend of hers Jody comes to me and asks to speak to me in private. It was very difficult to read her at that point but I knew that something was going on because she had a look of uncertainty on her face that was perplexing and startling at the same time. Once in the room, she sat me down on the bed and had a difficult time looking in my eyes. She was nervous and her palms, sweaty. She finally looked me in the eyes and said, “I’m pregnant”. Suddenly I drew the biggest blank and couldn’t get any words out. I remember what was going through my head, but could never get any words out of my mouth.

“OH SHIT” I thought as my hands clenched her hands tightly, “Now what??” Finally after what seemed like days I managed to crack a smile and said, “wow….a baby? when? how?” DUH!! Boy wasn’t I a genius with words. ”I’m sure it was last month sometime because I started feeling sick and haven’t had my period yet so I went and got checked.” There it was, all out in the open and I couldn’t make heads or tails of it. All I knew was that my life was about to change in a direction that I totally didn’t see. But that wasn’t all, after all of the therapy that I had already gone through and with his guidance had been building toward a different direction and it all seems to have been climaxing at that very moment. Without any thought I said, “I’ve been fantasizing about men and I’m pretty sure that I’m gay!”

Oh crap what had I just done? I can’t take it back but the worst part of it all was that the look on her face. She was crushed but at the same time, not completely surprised. There was such a long pause and all I could hear was the music coming from the party and as the seconds went by it seemed this moment would never end. Finally, a knock on the door and the silence was broken. It was her friend Rhea making sure everything was okay being that she was the one that Jody confided in about the pregnancy first. She gave me one last glance, got up and walked out the door back to the party.

I was defeated with remorse and started to realize that the dream that had jolted me awake a few weeks earlier was unfolding in real life. A premonition, a glimpse of things to come? I would have to say yes. The party, the dance floor of only men representing the growing feelings I was having for the same sex, the women disappearing representing the dying of my heterosexuality and me spinning on the dance floor showing me that I was spiraling out of control. At last, there it was, all out in the open leaving me weak and vulnerable. I didn’t have the strength to go out and face everyone about what had just happened. As it turned out, Jody never said a word to anyone about what had happened and everyone continued to party as they had been and Jody so eloquently kept a smile on her face for the rest of the evening.

After that night little was mentioned but Rhea as well as Jim knew everything that was going on in our lives and in the weeks following Jody and I found ourselves drifting further apart and having less to say to each other. I was now a ghost of what I once was and had to figure out what my next move was to make it better for everyone involved. During this time Jim and I spent quite a bit of time together, as friends. We thought it was best that we never crossed that line out of respect for Jody but the temptation was always there.

It would be October of that year that things started to take a dramatic turn, my mental health was deteriorating and depression was settling in as pieces of my memory slowly made their return and started to fill in the gaps in my life that were left by the accident. It was torture mainly because I had no idea h ow to process these memories and as time went by the headaches came furiously and at times, I would lose conciousness from the pain. It was near the one year anniversary of the car accident that everything would start to change significantly.

Sparks

Since my arrival in California I had spent most of my time learning about my new surroundings and looking for work. I had not yet finished my cosmetology certification that I had begun prior to the accident so looking for work was somewhat of a challenge. There wasn’t much of a hurry to find a job since the military was providing for much of our living expenses as we settled into our new home. Mel wasn’t around too much as she spent most of her time on base and the little time that she had off, she spent with her “buddies” visiting local bars as well as those in the surrounding cities.

Mel’s drinking seemed to have increased after our arrival in California but I was never certain whether it was because she had a problem with drinking or if thats just the way life was in the military. All of her friends drank like fish and it didn’t seem to matter what day of the week it was, Mel would come home smashed off her ass. Life seemed to have been a 24/7 party and she was loving it. I did join her and her friends on some occasions to enjoy the nightlife and sometimes would go across the border into Tijuana to party but my tolerance for alcohol at the time was much lower than hers.

Reluctantly, after several visits with her to gay bars in and around the community I was convinced that Mel was a lesbian and that it was not going to change. I knew that it was only a matter of time before our friendship would start to suffer and drift apart. I spent much of my time after that looking for work and making sure that should something happen to our relationship that I could make it on my own. Not an easy task in a place that is far from a major city with no car and no friends or family.

In March of that year I was hired at the local Taco Bell just off the Base in Fallbrook, it was to the point that I could just feel things changing and had to take what I could get. Soon after, Mel approached me at work to tell me that she had been seeing a woman that she really liked and that she would be moving in with her across the base in Oceanside. She told me that the rent was paid until the end of the lease which gave me a little over a 3 months to find a place to live. I felt like I had been punched in the gut and it was somewhat devastating to me at the time but I can’t say that I didn’t see it coming. After that, I found myself somewhat bitter towards her but at the same time I knew in my head that this was a possibility.

The next month flew by and I found myself becoming more and more irritated about the situation and started to get headaches on a regular basis. My stresses were high as one could imagine in the situation that I was in but I kept moving forward until I found a solution to my problem. During my time at “the bell” I was able to work my way into management in hopes that I could make enough money to keep the apartment for a while longer until I found more permanent living arrangements. It was soon after that I hired a girl, Jody, that would eventually become my first memory of a heterosexual relationship and by May would ask me to move in with her, her twin sister and her aunt.

Jody and I fell crazy in love and felt as if we had known one another forever. We did everything together and were probably the most popular couple of all of our friends and I do have to admit, we were quite a team. She was the picture of perfection. Blonde hair, blue eyes, big bright smile. Nothing close to the image of her trailer trash aunt and I always joked with her that she and her sister must have been adopted by another family. We had fun and there was never a shortage of laughter and good times.

Jody had no communication with her parents, molested by her father and abandoned by her mother she and her sister were awarded by the state to her aunt. Her aunt Lynn was somewhat of an odd character, tall and lanky, bad hair and was always….”on”. Looking back on things I could probably conclude that she had some mental issues to include ADHD and possibly, schizophrenia. But I couldn’t judge her as she was providing a roof over my head and allowing me to sleep in the same room as her niece. I had become in some sorts, the man of the house and took on several of the household responsibilities from yard work to running errands to helping pay the bills.

The weeks went by and I was finally living a life that felt somewhat normal but I found myself trying to shake off the headaches that began back in April but they grew more intense so I made an appointment with a doctor on base since I was covered by military health insurance. They examined me and told me it was nothing more than stress, gave me an anti-anxiety prescription and told me to take some aspirin for my headaches. Still, I could not help but feel that it was something more but I just shook it off and continued on.

We had a good group of friends Jody and I, we hung out at the beach, went to the movies and had several gatherings at the house. It was always a good time and there were always several people there and many times, people we didn’t know. There was however, one person in particular that stood out, Jim. Jim was a tall, blonde haired, buffed and blue-eyed ( a California thing I guess) surfer guy that usually was the life of the party and was always single. The one thing I can say about Jim is that he embraced everyone. It didn’t matter if you were the nerd, the ugly, the jock, the stoner or the overall asshole, he never excluded or alienated anyone.

Jim was the first of all of Jody’s friends to befriend me. He had really made an effort to include me in their circle and almost seemed to have taken me under his wing. He knew about my situation and how I had gotten to California and then ended up at Jody’s home. In fact he knew it well as I had found out later on that he had, by some twist of fate, chatted with Mel one night while at a bar in Escondido, a gay bar. Yes it turned out that Jim was gay but was not completely open about it to all of our friends but for some odd reason at that time, I felt such a connection with him.

We hung out more often and before I knew it we became the very best of friends. He began to invite me out with him whether it was to the beach, the movies or just to hangout at the mall. But things started to change one night when he invited me to go with him to that gay bar in Escondido that he had talked with Mel. I accepted the invitation and we were off to have a few drinks and chat. Sitting at the bar chatting with Jim I found myself feeling a little more comfortable being in a gay bar without Mel. I had the same comfort level with him that Mel and I shared. A sense of security I guess but non the less, a place of belonging. The longer I sat, the more familiar things seemed to be and then out of nowhere a headache hits. This time it was a sharp pain that ran from the back of my head straight into my eyes and I just remember closing my eyes and seeing a flash of light and almost feeling a sense of deja vu.

I thought that I might pass out and Jim asked if the headaches were back and if I wanted to go home. I was actually having a good time and didn’t want to but I was very disturbed at the feeling I was having from the headache and thought that it might be a good idea to go home so Jim drove me back to the house. When I arrived at home Jody was waiting up for me and when I walked in the door could see that my headache had come back. “Did something happen” she asked Jim. ”No, we were just sitting at the bar talking and it just hit him” he told Jody. After that Jim left, she got me some aspirin and water and we went to bed.

Somewhere in the middle of the night I was dreaming of bright lights all around me and could hear music and I was dancing. I remember seeing different people standing around me as I moved to the music. I could smell a mix of cologne from the men that were dancing around me as well as cigarette smoke from the other club goers and I couldn’t help but notice that there were no women on the dance floor. All of the women were standing around the dance floor and none of them looked like they were having any fun. I continued to dance and could feel my self spinning as I took in all of the music and the bass starts pounding harder and harder, so hard I could feel it thump throughout my entire body. I spin faster and faster and everything around me starts to blur and the women around the dance floor start to disappear one by one and the dance floor continues to thrive and grow with more men and the smells growing stronger and the lights brighter with every beat of the music until finally everything goes black and I am startled awake.

I woke up drenched and my heart pounding so hard and fast as if I had just finished a 100 meter sprint. I was so jolted awake that I woke Jody. She too was startled after seeing my face and that I was drenched in sweat and trying to catch my breath. “What were you dreaming about” she asked. I didn’t answer her because I really couldn’t remember much only that I was on the dance floor dancing my ass off and I only wanted to catch my breath get some water and go back to sleep. It wasn’t until the days that followed that I would start to remember the details of my dream.

Waking Up

On the day that I realized that I had lost a good portion of my memory I decided that in order to get through this without having every member of my life hounding to remember certain events, that I just needed to keep this little bit of information to myself. I would just pretend that I was disoriented, "Oh, sorry grandma, I must have been having a bad dream" I said. My grandmother continued on reading scripture from the bible and how blessed I was that God had decided to give me another chance. It was clear to me that grandma, from my biological fathers side, was a bible thumper and for some reason it REALLY got under my skin.

Over the next few weeks after moving back home so that I could be looked after while recuperating, I was shocked again and again as to the events in my life that I could not recall from my parents divorce to friends and relatives and the most devastating to me at that time, the fact that I had told my parents that I was gay and I did not even realize that I was. The thought was foreign and I had no recollection of being gay other than, to be "that way" was taboo. I had no feelings for men at that point nor did I have the desire so I decided to move in the general heterosexual direction.

Among the few people that I had been carrying home on the night of the accident was a girl named Melanie Anderson. I met Melanie a few weeks before the accident and we had become pretty good friends. She was in the military and was stationed here while she completed her military police training. She was an outgoing person and loved to party. That night she was going to stay at my friend Jenny's house so that we didn't have to drive her back on base. She was around quite a bit after the accident and during my rehabilitation and I think she may have felt guilty about the accident since she was the last person that was dropped off that night. We became much closer after all of the events that had taken place over the last few months and it came time for Melanie to get her orders and was to be transferred and posted at Camp Pendleton Marine Corps Base in Oceanside, California.

During this time of my rehab, I had discovered so many things in which I had no recall. The more I kept it to myself the more frustrating it got and with every passing day was new information that I somehow had to merge with the memories that were already in my head. It was like putting together a puzzle but not having all the pieces, it just wasn't going to happen. When Mel told me of her new orders I told her that I did not want her to go, nor did she want to. We had become such close friends and for me, had perhaps started to fall in love with her. One way or the other she was the most familiar thing to me after the accident and the only sense of normalcy that I had. We decided to get married so that I could go with her to California. It was the perfect opportunity for me get away from the continuing torture that I was having to live with every time a new event or memory was presented to me.

Mel and I married in December of 1988 and from what I gathered over the last few months my father was still very upset with my "coming out" so when this marriage occurred it was a blessing from above as far as my father was concerned. Evidently the reason that my grandmother was sitting next to my hospital bed when I came to, was because my father had "found Jesus" and was born again. I believe that his family were his followers or so he truly believed(TWISTED!) and that my "gayness" had no place with God or in this world and that I was to be damned to hell because of it. So when I announced the marriage, my father was pleased. He was so pleased that he would foot the bill for a small ceremony at my grandmothers house. We tried to insist that we would go to the Justice of the Peace but he insisted that "this is the Lords work and should be celebrated and shared with everyone"......and so it was.

On the night of the ceremony we decided to go out for a night on the town to share with her friends as well as my own, to celebrate our "marriage" as well as to mark the 3 month anniversary of my survival and rehabilitation from the car accident. My father had sprung for the hotel room(probably hoping that it was a down payment on grandchildren) as his gift. We spent most of that evening drinking but it got to a point that I just didn't want to drink anymore and not sure if it was just because I had not done it in so long or that I just lost the urge. Either way, I told Mel that I was going to go to the hotel room and that she should stay and enjoy herself with her friends as it was the last time she would be able to spend time with them before she left to California.

The next morning I woke up, looked around and didn't see Mel anywhere. I thought maybe she had decided to go back to the base so I went back to sleep. Later on I awoke to what sounded like someone moaning as if to be suffering from a horrible hangover and assumed that she did in fact come back to the hotel and I had just not seen her anywhere earlier when I first woke up. I get out of bed and walk around to the restroom and laying at the bathroom door is a woman that I had seen Mel talking to the night before and Mel laying with her head at the base of the toilet and legs out the door of the restroom. Both she and her guest were completely naked and it looks as if Mel had passed out after throwing up. The "friend" was laying passed out on top of Mel with her face nearly in her ass crack.

Among all of the thoughts in my head not once did I think that I would spend the first day of my marriage trying to figure out what was going on. Some part of my mind genuinely felt that this marriage was a new beginning and that perhaps we could have made a life together. That however, was not the case and I had to get it out of my mind quick that this was going to move into a completely different direction. Again, I went along with the situation, never talked about it or made a big deal of it and just moved forward.

Mel left just before Christmas so that she could make arrangements for my arrival and in February, I joined her. I was finally away from everything unfamiliar and my head was able to get the break it so badly needed. Although I went from one foreign place to another, at least this was the opportunity to create new memories instead of having to deal with ones from my past and trying to integrate them into my new life. All of the anxiety that I had been carrying around me until my departure had finally subsided. I had always wanted to go back to the state in which I was born. I was born in Los Angeles and when I was 3 my parents had moved the family back to Texas. Although I'm not exactly sure why we relocated to California in the first place all I had ever felt throughout my life was that I needed to get back there one day and there I was........Home.

To be continued........(Ok so perhaps this needs to be its own Blog....I'll work on that!)

Discovery

Once I saw myself laying dead in the car below, I realized that my time had come. It was hard to grasp in my "earthly" head that the forces from which I had come from were ready to reclaim the energy that once filled my body. It was time to re-join and become one again and there seemed no way to break loose from it. I panicked and began to cry and scream out, "I can't go.....Not yet!" I look below and everything is turning dark. The further I ascend the darker it gets below until finally I scream, " MOM......NO NOT YET" and almost instantly, I fall back into my body and my eyes open and I take in a deep breath. There was a man was standing outside the car with his hand on my shoulder telling me that I was going to be okay and then, I lost consciousness.

When I came to, I saw lights but these were much different from the light before. This time, red flashing lights from emergency vehicles, spotlights that were set up by rescue crew and sparks by the machines that the crews were using to break me free from the mangled wreckage. I try to move and an EMT tells me to be still because they are working on cutting the metal from around me but I panic and try to break free but the pain from my legs is so horrible. I start to fade out and I can hear the EMT that's holding my hand and the oxygen over my face saying, "Stay with me....come on STAY WITH ME", and then just as quickly as I came to, I was gone again.

Waking up in an ambulance is not something I would recommend to anyone. It's cold and if you're claustrophobic then you'll never make it out alive. As my eyes opened, there were two EMT's performing different procedures. I remember one doing compressions on my chest as the other starts sticking me with needles. A mask on my face feeds me oxygen and all different kinds of wires are hooked up to all kinds of gadgets that I can't make heads or tails of but all I want to do is talk to these guys. I try, but I can't get any words out. I can hear the words in my head, but they don't seem to be making it to my mouth. It's like being in a dream where you try to run but you can't seem to get your legs up and moving. The EMT's worked frantically to keep me in this world, they were talking to me and telling me "don't close your eyes.....try to stay awake" but yet again, as I hear one tell the other, "WE'RE LOSING HIM AGAIN" , I go under.

The next time I awoke, I am on a gurney being rolled down the hallway of the hospital, the lights above pass over me quickly. There are about 5 people around me as we are rushing down the hall and I can hear them all talking to each other and I remember that it sounded like a symphony of sorts. Information was being passed to and from everyone around me and I just wanted to say something but still, I could not get the words out of my mouth. Then, I hear a familiar voice coming from somewhere behind me, it's my mother. "Is he going to be ok?" she cries. I hear the doctors telling her, "we need to stabilize him before we will know anything". She just cried and I wanted so hard to reach out to her and just tell her that I was fine and that I loved her, but I just couldn't.

As we reached the operating room I remember being prepped for surgery but before they could do anything they had to clean all of the fresh as well as the dried blood off of my face and legs. They stripped me down to my underwear(actually I'm sure it was down to nothing) and tossed my clothes in a paper bag. They started to examine my body to make sure that I didn't have any other cuts or broken bones. It was so cold in the room and sensation slowly began to make its return back into my limbs and before I knew it I was in PAIN! As they were cleaning me off there were other nurses and technicians doing their thing, hooking me up to machines and such. The "cleaning crew" were not my favorite of people at that point because as they were cleaning the blood off of my forehead with sponges, all of the tiny pieces of glass that were in my head were catching on the sponges!

I had never experienced so much physical pain my life (or so I thought) and all I wanted was to be back in all of the wonderful light and warmth that had surrounded me when I was still stuck in the car but that time had come and gone. Even though I had people all around me, I was alone. After the brutal cleaning and all of the prep, a nurse places a mask over my nose and mouth and says, "I want you to start counting backward from ten". So I counted, "10...9....8...7....6" and just like that, I'm under.

When I awake, I remember feeling as if someone had glued my eyes shut. It was so hard to open my eyes, its what I believe it feels like to open your eyes for the first time in your life. Finally my eyes open and to my left is my mother, holding my hand asking me how I was, to my right, either an attendant or nurse checking my vital signs and asking how I'm doing. I can feel my face, swollen and in pain. My mouth felt as if I had been punched repeatedly and my legs, I could not move. Once I got my bearings I started to look myself up and down trying to gauge how bad my injuries were. I touched my face and could feel the swelling and the torn flesh on my forehead as well as around my mouth, I had to see it.

I asked my mother for a mirror so that I could see for myself what had become of my face(remember.....gay and 18) and she didn't want to give me one. I insisted but she again would not and as I grew more agitated with the situation the doctor gives her the okay to give me the mirror. As I held it up in front of my face, I was horrified. The patch of hair that was ripped from the front of my head had been replaced with what I can only describe as ground beef. My entire forehead had slammed into the windshield, shredding my skin as if my face had been dragged across the pavement. On the way to the windshield my mouth slammed into the steering wheel and shards of plastic were embedded in my gums above my two front teeth. My lips were so swollen it looked like collagen on steroids. I could barely speak at all but the horror and shock was so devastating, I passed out.

The next time my eyes opened there was a woman sitting next to my bed reading the bible and praying and when she noticed that I was awake, began praying over me and thanking God that I was alive. "Who is this woman?", I thought to myself. She continued on telling me, "It was death that came to take you but God didn't let him. God k new you weren't ready to go and now you will be safe until its his time"......BLAH BLAH BLAH! "Who is this insane woman??" I kept thinking to myself and finally my mother walks in holding a cup of coffee and can clearly see that I am uncomfortable and irritated and comes to me and asks me what is wrong? I ask her who this woman is and why is she preaching to me about God? My mother looks at me with the most puzzled look on her face, a look so empty and one that I had never seen on her face and then she said to me, " That's your Grandmother". I had never seen this woman in my life and the thought of her being my grandmother made me think that I would have to remember cousins and aunts and uncles but i just couldn't and then it hit me......the damage was far worse than I could have imagined, I've lost some of my memory.

To be continued.......(I'm getting to a point I PROMISE!)

Ready or Not

I used to think that we were left to live our lives alone. After all we did come into this world alone and when we die, usually we go alone. I spent the better part of my post adolesence searching for the answer to the questions...."What is the reason we are here and how do we get there"? For years I struggled to complete journeys that I had started in search of a better quality of life only to find obstruction and dismay. Never able to complete these journeys, I began to look at my past in hopes of finding the clues that would take me further in my quest.

Many times in life you hear that the answers to living are all in the bible. But what if you dont really believe in a book that was written by man? What if there is more to it than just "walking in the footsteps of Christ"? Does Christ even exist? So many questions run through your mind that you try so hard to answer and understand that eventually you lose track of what it was that you were looking for in the first place.

Okay focus...What are we doing here and how do we get there?? Well I'm still not completely sure what we are doing here but think I may have found a transport to get there. No I didn't find a time machine or any kind of stargate but rather.....a ripple. I know you're probably thinking that I have lost my mind but bear with me for a while and I'll try to make this as easy as possible for you to understand. But to do that, I have to go back in time.(no, I already told you its not a time machine)

It was nearly 3 am, October 11, 1988 and I was driving friends home from a night of partying, I was the designated driver. There were 4 of us and I had just finished dropping off the last of the drunkards at their house and was on my way back to the hotel. It had been a long day as I had driven in from Houston where I was living at the time and had to work a full day before even coming to San Antonio so I was exhausted. I had been going for just about 24 hours with no sleep and I could barely keep my eyes open.

The last thing I remember from the drive that night was making a turn onto the main roadway that took me back to the hotel, after that........I had fallen asleep at the wheel. Now keep in mind that I was 18 at the time and my world revolved around mostly material stuff as well as looks!(weren't we stupid at 18?) When I opened my eyes it was pitch black not a speck of light coming from anywhere and the smell of hot radiator fluid and motor oil steaming out of the engine block. The only sounds were the settling of the engine as it cooled and the crickets that were around the area. I had no idea where I was or how this could have happened.

As I am looking around trying to focus my sight I can feel the warmth of my blood on my face and the thought starts to settle in my head.....I've crashed. I struggle to take off my seat belt and break free from the wreckage and I realize that my legs have been pinned by the dashboard and steering column that were pushed forward by the engine upon impact. My eyes begin to adjust to the darkness and I begin to see that the windshield is smashed and that there is something dangling from the imprint that my head left in the glass.....a patch of hair from the front of my head.

I remember being so pissed off about that as I reached up to grab it. "My hair!!" I screamed. I know you are either rolling your eyes or just laughing hysterically by this point but come on! I was gay, 18 AND a hairstylist! After I had the hair in my hand I fell back into my seat and just sat quietly. I never once screamed out for help or even thought about how I would get out of the car. I remember that it was becoming easier to see things and that maybe that there was light somewhere. Regardless, I was so content just being where I was. I wasn't concerned, I wasn't scared and I didn't feel burdened about life..... as If I was weightless.

At this point things around me are much more visible. The baron trees of fall, the evergreen trees and shrubs and I even hear moving water in the distance. The sounds and smells begin to be so pleaseant and all I want is to get out of the car and enjoy all the nature that is surrounding me. Again I move forward and try to release myself from the wreckage and so effortlessly, I break free. My legs are freed from the twisted and crumpled metal and I begin to take in all of the beauty that is everywhere and I explore.

As I'm walking around the wreckage and engaging everything around me I begin to remember all of the wonderful times of my childhood and of my life. All of a sudden, I am so aware of all of the wonderful and joyous times in my life. I remember old friends in school, friends that I had not seen in years. I remember specific events from my past so vividly that I could feel laughter from so deep inside of me, I began to smile. I felt as if I was walking on air. It was as if I was actually living in those special moments in my life, I was living in my memories.

As one memory after another flooded my head I realized that the happier I felt the brighter everything seemed to be around me. I was no longer concerned with the accident, my hair, my clothes, bills I just wanted to stay where I was at that very moment. As I continue in this blissful state of being , I'm looking around and there is such a clarity to everything. The intensity of the light that is surrounding me is not blinding but continues to grow and as it does, I look around to try and find the source of this light, but I cant'.....It's everywhere.

Finally, an image of my mother giving me a bath in the kitchen sink when I was just a baby, comes into my head and I remember having the biggest grin on my face. It was the warmest of feelings and memories of all the others that came before. It was so pure and natural and real. As If I had been transported there to re-live it. I giggled to myself as I was giggling the way I was while my mother was bathing me as a baby. It was then that the light in my own head turned on and everything came to a screeching halt. I look down and all I see is below is the wreckage of the car that once held me prisoner. The front end of the car was smashed into a huge oak tree, steam coming from the engine and me, sitting in the drivers seat of the car....my face covered in blood and my body.....lifeless.......I've died.

To be continued.........(Sorry! Happy Labor Day Weekend!)